Rooting for you

It's been a week since you left for your business trip - I hope you've enjoyed your well-deserved alone time. With that said, our home misses you. The bed misses you. The dogs miss you for sure. My tummy definitely misses you. I have been eating processed and/or fried food for the past few days. I should cook - but there's just less motivation if I'm the only one eating.

Anyway, just a quick message for you on our conversation today - "Whatever you decide to do - just do it. Take that small step. It starts there, right? Whether that's tackling the issue directly, or ignoring the noise, or aggressively pursuing an escape, or even keeping everything bottled in - maybe some sort of acceptance of whatever choice you pick will help keep you sane. Feel free to rant to me anytime."

Starting Point

I hope this recent breakthrough in our cookie endeavor continues. I guess at the end of the day, selling is still in your blood. Keeping my fingers crossed for more opportunities like this.

Abyss

There’s a strange kind of silence that comes with feeling stuck - not the peaceful kind, but the heavy, echoing stillness of an abyss. It’s not always sadness. Sometimes, it’s numbness. Sometimes, it’s pressure. And sometimes, it’s the quiet weight of expectations. From yourself, from others, from everyone.

And your only hope is that the abyss isn't actually endless. That there is actually light at the end of the tunnel.

And maybe then I don't have to pretend to be burn brighter than I actually am.

Running

At some point, you realize you are getting old and getting the appropriate exercise is necessary. So I started running - or I guess jogging for now. I always thought I would enjoy it, but I was always too lazy to actually start doing it.  

Here's a blog post to remind me I am trying to set the habit at age 38. And here's to hoping I built that habit for years to come.

Slow and steady.

Your Name

I found it very unique when we first met. That was the first time I've seen that name - Aize. Several friends have misspelled it. I don't know anyone else with the same name. And have only ever seen similar names online. 

And after almost 14 years of being together - I'm still not sure how that name came about from your full name.

Aize has an effortlessly modern ring to it. It feels like a name made for someone who’s a little mysterious, maybe a little weird, and does someone who does not 'go with the flow'. 

Did you know that in some Nigerian languages, Aize can be a short form or variant of longer traditional names like Aizehi - meaning Let it be God’s will (according to chatGPT lol). I will rarely ever call you with your name, but it will always hold a special meaning in my heart.

I know today is probably a forgettable day. But Happy Birthday hun! We'll get there!

Chaos in Thought

Yesterday and now.

Also known as the two best times to ever do anything.

There is hope that today is the start of that elusive jogging habit. Start slow, tempered expectations, achievable goals. Less thinking, more doing.

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I know re-reading these has been a cringe-inducing experience, but I feel like I would appreciate it when I am much older.

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Practice for the birthday post!

A Love Letter for the Future

I love you.

I know actions speak louder than words, and I know I've failed that these past few days - but hopefully I am able to make it up to you a little bit.

I am putting this in writing to be accountable. I. will. make. it. up. to. you.

But for now, I only have words for you. 

I love you darling.

Happy(?) Valentine's Day! Hopefully 'better late than never' applies in this case.

Friday the 14th

And yet another day for me to disappoint. 

Nothing worse than looking yourself in the eye and seeing clearly the mistakes you made. Hopefully by the time you read this, I've already made it up to you. I know I should have made more effort, but what's done is done.

I don't ever want you to feel like I'm taking you for granted. Ever.

Two O's to force

13 years. That's a teenager. That's more than a third of my life. Probably almost my entire adult life. It sounds like a long time - but without sounding too greedy - I want more. We've only just started our married life. Only started our home-owning journey. We haven't exited the corporate slave phase lol. There is so much more to experience.

I know there has been a short supply of self-discipline from me, but I really want to get onboard the journey of living heathier. I've been contemplating my mortality recently, and it gets a little scary thinking about how unhealthy I am. Healthier food. Consistent exercise. More active lifestyle. Next step is probably concrete goals on how to get there.

By the way, I did try chatGPT for the time zone post. But it was awfully bad. So I asked it for a poem instead. Still bad, but probably something I would write before lol.

Hey you, it's funny, isn't it?
In different time zones, yet somehow we're knit,
While I start my day, you’re ending yours,
Our worlds spin differently, but our connection endures.

"Good morning" or "Good night," who even knows?
But through every hour, my love for you grows.
The clocks may be off, but you're always here,
In my thoughts, in my heart, always so near.

I smile thinking of the day we'll be,
In the same place, same time, just you and me.
Until then, my love, in sync we’ll stay,
Even if time tries to pull us away.

I miss you. It might not show. But I do. I am literally counting the days. Come home soon.

Who Knows the Future?

 Happy Anniversary hun!

Truth be told, I didn't get to finish this before you had asked if I wrote one. But I was in the process of writing one already. So I hope it didn't make you too sad.

We have so many anniversaries. This is our 2nd marriage anniversary. Our first wedding anniversary. We just passed our 12th relationship anniversary. I could get confused in 30 more years.

I hope I have at least that many more years with you. I thought given my lifestyle 30 years would be good. I'd be happy with that. I'd be a weak and fragile 80-year old. I don't want to have to be taken care of. I don't want to be anyone's burden. Got a little dark there, so let's dial it back a bit. 

After being together for 12 years, I think we both know that we don't like big celebrations. Celebrating just never came naturally for me, I don't even have a birthday that I can remember, except one - maybe 5th or 6th grade. It was the only time I celebrated with friends.

But while I do not plan out celebrations in general, it doesn't mean I don't like making small gestures to show that I care about celebrating being with you. Most of the time, I think up of ways to show these, but ultimately fail - whether by not following through, or just not being prepared. 

Hopefully you enjoyed the simple gesture today. I actually went into overthinking mode - where I thought you probably expect it, so I should change it up. But you like it, so I should do it. In the end, I did it anyway. 

I know the post doesn't sound celebratory, but that's another thing you probably already expect from me. So this is me hoping you still enjoy the same old boring me. Because I look forward to being boring together for the next 30 years - maybe more. You make me want to want more. So who knows?