Your Name

I found it very unique when we first met. That was the first time I've seen that name - Aize. Several friends have misspelled it. I don't know anyone else with the same name. And have only ever seen similar names online. 

And after almost 14 years of being together - I'm still not sure how that name came about from your full name.

Aize has an effortlessly modern ring to it. It feels like a name made for someone who’s a little mysterious, maybe a little weird, and does someone who does not 'go with the flow'. 

Did you know that in some Nigerian languages, Aize can be a short form or variant of longer traditional names like Aizehi - meaning Let it be God’s will (according to chatGPT lol). I will rarely ever call you with your name, but it will always hold a special meaning in my heart.

I know today is probably a forgettable day. But Happy Birthday hun! We'll get there!

Chaos in Thought

Yesterday and now.

Also known as the two best times to ever do anything.

There is hope that today is the start of that elusive jogging habit. Start slow, tempered expectations, achievable goals. Less thinking, more doing.

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I know re-reading these has been a cringe-inducing experience, but I feel like I would appreciate it when I am much older.

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Practice for the birthday post!

A Love Letter for the Future

I love you.

I know actions speak louder than words, and I know I've failed that these past few days - but hopefully I am able to make it up to you a little bit.

I am putting this in writing to be accountable. I. will. make. it. up. to. you.

But for now, I only have words for you. 

I love you darling.

Happy(?) Valentine's Day! Hopefully 'better late than never' applies in this case.

Friday the 14th

And yet another day for me to disappoint. 

Nothing worse than looking yourself in the eye and seeing clearly the mistakes you made. Hopefully by the time you read this, I've already made it up to you. I know I should have made more effort, but what's done is done.

I don't ever want you to feel like I'm taking you for granted. Ever.

Two O's to force

13 years. That's a teenager. That's more than a third of my life. Probably almost my entire adult life. It sounds like a long time - but without sounding too greedy - I want more. We've only just started our married life. Only started our home-owning journey. We haven't exited the corporate slave phase lol. There is so much more to experience.

I know there has been a short supply of self-discipline from me, but I really want to get onboard the journey of living heathier. I've been contemplating my mortality recently, and it gets a little scary thinking about how unhealthy I am. Healthier food. Consistent exercise. More active lifestyle. Next step is probably concrete goals on how to get there.

By the way, I did try chatGPT for the time zone post. But it was awfully bad. So I asked it for a poem instead. Still bad, but probably something I would write before lol.

Hey you, it's funny, isn't it?
In different time zones, yet somehow we're knit,
While I start my day, you’re ending yours,
Our worlds spin differently, but our connection endures.

"Good morning" or "Good night," who even knows?
But through every hour, my love for you grows.
The clocks may be off, but you're always here,
In my thoughts, in my heart, always so near.

I smile thinking of the day we'll be,
In the same place, same time, just you and me.
Until then, my love, in sync we’ll stay,
Even if time tries to pull us away.

I miss you. It might not show. But I do. I am literally counting the days. Come home soon.

Who Knows the Future?

 Happy Anniversary hun!

Truth be told, I didn't get to finish this before you had asked if I wrote one. But I was in the process of writing one already. So I hope it didn't make you too sad.

We have so many anniversaries. This is our 2nd marriage anniversary. Our first wedding anniversary. We just passed our 12th relationship anniversary. I could get confused in 30 more years.

I hope I have at least that many more years with you. I thought given my lifestyle 30 years would be good. I'd be happy with that. I'd be a weak and fragile 80-year old. I don't want to have to be taken care of. I don't want to be anyone's burden. Got a little dark there, so let's dial it back a bit. 

After being together for 12 years, I think we both know that we don't like big celebrations. Celebrating just never came naturally for me, I don't even have a birthday that I can remember, except one - maybe 5th or 6th grade. It was the only time I celebrated with friends.

But while I do not plan out celebrations in general, it doesn't mean I don't like making small gestures to show that I care about celebrating being with you. Most of the time, I think up of ways to show these, but ultimately fail - whether by not following through, or just not being prepared. 

Hopefully you enjoyed the simple gesture today. I actually went into overthinking mode - where I thought you probably expect it, so I should change it up. But you like it, so I should do it. In the end, I did it anyway. 

I know the post doesn't sound celebratory, but that's another thing you probably already expect from me. So this is me hoping you still enjoy the same old boring me. Because I look forward to being boring together for the next 30 years - maybe more. You make me want to want more. So who knows?

I Am Sweaty Today

My wife would rather read through my blog than talk to me about things I want to talk about - or at least that's what she postured few nights ago - feeling deprived of a blog post that she enjoys from time to time.

The title says it all. I'm trying to write, all nervous and anxious because the words aren't coming. Then I decided to ask AI to write for me. 

Though my brow is damp, my soul is on fire with affection for you. Your laughter is my favorite melody, and the way your eyes light up ignites a warmth within me that rivals even the sun's glow. In your presence, my palms get sweaty, my knees weak, and yet I wouldn't have it any other way. It's a testament to the depth of my feelings for you.

Probably not the way I would have wrote a love letter - sounds pretty obvious it wasn't from me.

The recent news we've received has me a little sweaty though. Still hoping for a better outcome, but whatever happens, I know we'll be okay. 

And you can take that to the bank.

Obligations and Inspirations

Happy Birthday hun! Hope you enjoyed today. It's simple, random and relaxed - but that's how we roll. 

I'm trying to keep the birthday streak alive, but still lost on inspiration to write. Life has taken random turns, but I'm looking forward to our next chapter. 

I hope you're as happy with me as I am with you. I hope our dreams work-out. I hope life away from Manila is how we expect it to be. And maybe soon we get to start a family. 

Maybe the next time I post, we're already by the beach, waiting for the sunset.

My Vows

I don't even know where to begin. I’ve always been a loner of sorts and it was always difficult for me to have deep relationships with other people. But it was so different with you. We just clicked. I still remember the yellow dress you wore when I first met you, with your short hair just like now, contemplating whether you should give me pasalubong that you brought back from your vacation, but we just met. I still remember your first text, asking me to buy extra rice for you on a random lunch time at work. I still remember our first kiss while on our way to the office. I still remember our first out of town trip alone - in Zambales, enjoying the beach. And even now, after 11 years, I’m still experiencing firsts with you. Life just seems so much more colorful with you. 

A friend once asked me, how do I know its love that I feel. I wasn't really sure how to answer it - it was a very personal question that I'm usually uncomfortable answering - you know how much I dread talking about myself. But when I thought of you, I felt comfort. I felt safe. I felt home. You have always been where I never needed a mask. You have always been where I could relax and be myself. And You have always been where I felt safe and free. You were home, at a time I didn't think I had any. 

Youve always asked me why I love you. And I always start by saying I just do. And I go on to recall all the little things that make you special. First, I’ll tell you how your eyes seduced me. I’ve always loved your eyes. Then I'll tell you that i crush your voice and enjoyed listening to you talk on the phone back then. I’ll go on to say how I loved our conversations - the real ones that talk about life, love, ideas, and dreams. And then I’ll tell you how there is no one else in the world that sees me the way you do and how there is no one else in the world I could imagine being with. You are my best friend. You are my lover. You are my pillar. You are my light. And now you are my wife. You are all these things and more. 

And as we end today, these I vow to you. That I will love you until we pass, that I will always be here, that I won't be the first to leave and you will never be alone, that you can count on me - through thick and thin, that we will face life’s challenges with hands held tight - and look back to today as our story’s new beginning, and not its climax. There are so many more firsts to share with you and I look forward to every single one of them. 

I love you Hun. On our good days, on our great days, and especially on our bad days. I loved you then, I love you now, and I will love you tomorrow and for the rest of our lives. Always.

Through Pillows and Places

 Happy Birthday Hun! It's your first birthday as my wife - I know we don't celebrate birthdays too much, but hopefully you enjoyed today. 

I know it took a little bit of time for us, but it looks like things are trending up. We're finally looking for our own place. Hopefully we make the best decision for our future. 

I regret a little - not being able to do this sooner - but maybe we just have our own timings. I believe things'll work out. 

I know it's short - but really, all I hoped was that you smiled today, Mrs Halasan.