Life

I feel empty.

I just made a rationalization/realization that maybe I feel that unease of panicking because of nothing due to this certain feeling of emptiness. Why I feel empty, I don't really know but it's probably because of all these things I've regretted over the course of my life. Empty, maybe because I know that deep down inside I haven't made my life matter.

That's right. I want to matter. I want meaning. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say I did great things today. But unfortunately, that's not the case. I spend hours in front of this stupid computer, surfing the net, playing games, watching stuff, writing blogs and more useless things I would prefer to keep to myself like watching porn of reading manga or just checking out pics from facebook of random people.

I moved out 5 months ago. I've been living with a friend since. I kept telling myself that I just have to go through this last semester of school, find a job and get on with my life. I thought I finally put some direction into myself. A month after graduating, I realized nothing's changed. I'm still lazy. I'm still mediocre. I still just let things flow.

And I still keep myself 'happy' with the idea that I can be great if I choose to do so. And yet, I can't seem to walk that first step. It's as if I would rather hold on to the idea, than take a risk to go and try achieving that dream. Past choices would reflect that this has been the way I handled things even before. I should call them past mistakes but it's really only a mistake when you've learned what you have done wrong. I haven't. Or at least I haven't made it right.

I keep telling myself I'm just trying to make the safe choices. But somehow, I think that's no longer the case. It's not that I go for the safe choices, but instead I go for the easy, comfortable, no-hassle choices. They may be the same choices for most situations but I make the safe choices not because they're safe but because they're easy. I'm not sure I make sense, but it's not like I'm making sense to myself either. I keep wanting to be better, and yet here I am not doing anything about it.

I think I still owe people around 55k. It's not that they come and ask me for payment, but I thought I'd want to pay them as soon as I graduate. I thought that'd be a good enough reason to act immediately but it seems it isn't enough. Or maybe it's that same reason I don't want to go look for a job. But then again, I don't feel like I don't want to look for a job. I want a job, I just don't want to look for one. Weird.

I'm just ranting. This doesn't even make sense anymore. I don't even make sense to myself. I don't need to change the world to feel that I matter... I just want to make sense.

Another one of those

I got another one of those anxiety attacks I've been having. I'm not really sure when it started, but it keeps on coming back. Just now, I was watching a few episodes of House and decided to play FF7 when I felt that same panic I've been feeling a few times before. I can't explain where it comes from, why I feel that way or towards what do I feel like panicking but I do, and it sucks. I can't really explain it but it really sucks. It lasted for about 15 minutes this time. I kept trying to concentrate on my game but it didn't work. Where is this feeling coming from?

I need answers...

It really feels shitty...

Smoking doesn't even help...

I keep thinking in my head that I have felt this before, somewhere, at some point in my life and that I'm used to this feeling and that I really hate that feeling but I can't quite figure out what exactly is the memory I'm remembering. I still have no clue where I've felt this before.

I'm panicking and I don't know why...

Does that make me crazy?