Tears of peace

I cried.

It's been so long since I let myself go, since I allowed myself that freedom to sob, to let the tears roll down my eyes, to gasp for breathe every few seconds... because I cried. And I must say, it felt good.

Emotions swept through me like a whirlwind of sorts. It came out of nowhere. One minute I was watching a movie, the next minute the plot twist ends up piercing the deepest recesses of my emotions that I couldn't help myself. It didn't even start out as getting teary-eyed. It was a wailing of sorts, without the actual noise, as tears kept forming and rolling down my eyes, only to be replaced by more.

I miss them. I miss them so much I don't even know how much. I may be jumping to conclusions but I always thought I felt alone ever since my mom died. I can give out a hundred reasons why, but it wouldn't really matter. They're gone, and I'll probably never see them again. I always thought heaven will be there, in the end, so that we could be together again but as you grow old, that belief weakens. I'm not saying I no longer believe it, I'm just saying I'm not keeping my hopes up.

There have been countless of times where I've imagined that we were still together. How life would've turned out. How I'd be, or even who I'd be. I've always wondered how we would be as a family, how I'd be with a dad. I may not think about it often, but I do still wonder, occasionally.

I think cried a good ten minutes. I didn't try to stop it. It felt great releasing all those emotions in one big gesture.

I've always feared being alone, not the moment of being alone, but being alone for good. Deep inside I probably feel I got left behind, by my dad, by my mom, and even by my sister's family that took me in. I've always kept these emotions to myself. There was never anyone I could talk to about my parents, or being alone. I wouldn't talk to my sister about it, or her husband, or their kids, or my brother, or even my friends. This was a burden I always felt I needed to carry alone. Just thinking about it gets me teary-eyed.

Then I realized something. I think these emotions burst out of me because I haven't felt it in a really long time. I've been too busy being happy, not feeling alone and left out, that when I remembered the feeling, I couldn't control the tears. I was swept by a swirl of emotions and I let myself be carried by it.

And when the tears stopped, I felt at peace. I didn't cry because I was sad, I cried because I miss them, and the knowledge that whatever I do, I wouldn't see them again. Losing your parents scars you, and they don't heal. I'm not sure if I'm one of the lucky ones or the unlucky ones who experienced it too young.

I can go on and on about how much I miss them, how much I want to see them, but I wouldn't. I've always been at peace with the fact that they're gone, I just couldn't help remembering.

I wish I could relive it though, my past. I just want to remember it all, feel it all authentically, and not just remember through a fragment of memories that I can't even trust. Or maybe even see it all in the third person. People say your whole life flashes before your eyes right before you die. I hope it's long enough for me to see it all, and appreciate it all. God knows I've spent too long of my life without them.

Justice in 50 cents

I remember a couple of weeks ago, the Jeepney fare hiked up from P8 to P8.50. Incidentally, I ended up sitting in front seat, beside a woman who had an MMDA logo on her shirt. Basically, I was sandwiched between her and the driver. It started out as as simple he talks, she talks scenario that turned into a sort of argument. The lady, although she did not seem like one, kept claiming that although it has been publicly announced that the fare would be raised, they first needed some sort of permit before the drivers could start charging the commuters that raised price. I think she called it "taripa" or probably a tariff of sorts. The driver kept insisting that the LTO themselves said that they wouldn't be releasing new tariffs this year.

I found no particular importance on who was telling the truth. The woman kept insisting that the drivers should go to LTO and request for a tariff, and the driver keeps insisting that LTO will not release one. In the end, the driver just told the lady that if she did not want to pay the extra fifty cents, then don't. He will gladly accept it from those who are willing to pay, but if you don't, then don't.

What the woman said probably makes sense, in a system that works, a timely government that acts, and society that does not have more than a good share of its population in poverty. These people, blue-collar workers, commuters, aren't in different situations. Everyone is working to get by another day. It's been decided that the fare would hike, officially even, and yet some people would refuse these drivers of fifty cents. 

What's worse, just when it had been announced that the fare would roll back to P8, everyone wanted it immediately. They cared not of tariffs and such, they wanted to roll back now. I heard one commuter reason out that it had been announced in the news, so they should charge P8 only. It seemed unfair. 

I don't know why these incidents stuck in memory, but I felt a sort of injustice when it happened. That woman earlier? I would bet my fingers that she paid P8 the moment it was announced in the news, with or without the tariff, or whatever proper permits that may have been needed.

However, I'm not at all well informed with these types of things, so I shouldn't judge. God knows there are a number of dishonest drivers out there charging more than they should. But I believe it was fair and just to give those drivers what they deserve, the added P.50 cents.