Just a smile

I was watching a couple of episodes of HIMYM season 8 earlier today. In it's season ending episode, a line struck me.

 "Even now, after all these years, there’s still just this part of me where if there’s even the slightest chance something I do could make Robin smile, I don’t even think about it. I just do it.
I mean if I can make that locket magically appear I would. I would open a vein in my arm if i could bleed that locket out just to make her happy…"

And I couldn't have said it any better.

If I were playing PS3, and she said she needs me, I wouldn't need to think about it. If I were at home, relaxing, smoking a joint or two, and she says she needs me, I'll be on my way in a couple of minutes. Hell even when I'm mad, and I see her cry, I end up apologizing because I want her to be happy, all the time.

And I realized I might really be a hopeless romantic (at least someone who denies to be one).

Don't get me wrong. I make mistakes. Sometimes I refuse to clean up, or leave earlier from work, or take things for granted, or even be an unreasonably jealous boyfriend. But in the end, I can't let her not be happy, I can't leave her with tears in her eyes, or have friction between us. I just can't.

And if I'm a sissy because of that, then so be it.

Recently, I've been fighting a battle against my demons and it been affecting my relationship. I need to constantly remind myself that there's nothing to worry about. But I'm a coward... I've always been a coward. I feel that my greatest fear is being left behind. So I try figure out how to avoid it, or preempt it, and both ways, I damage the relationship. Because there wasn't anything to begin with. I was making stuff up in my head. And I breathed life into it by entertaining these worries.

 So what the hell is wrong with me?

I don't think there will ever be a simple answer for it, nor would there be a concrete solution. I just have to push through and hope for the best. But in the end, I should really just focus on one thing, one concrete goal I am passionate about.

Make you smile.