Apologies

They've been a dime a dozen, I know. But I'm sorry I didn't get the job.

And another one comes, not because of anything I had any fault with. Just how things turned out. 

Maybe wishful thinking came too early.

Time to get my head out of the clouds, buckle up, and get cracking.

Went for too many idioms, I feel like an idiot.

Plans & Purpose, Pressure and Provide

I have always treated life agnostically, at least in terms of purpose and meaning. The daily battle of living through another day makes all those bigger truths seem unimportant and out of touch. This sounds drearier than it actually is, but sitting down and taking a moment to think about these things makes me feel disappointment with how I've gone through this journey.

I want to do better. I want to be better.

Your suffering weighs heavily on me, and it pains me to be this helpless. You need saving. I know it too. And yet, I feel unable, lacking and powerless.

I know you believe in me. I want to believe in me too.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for this latest development. Maybe there's still a way for me to be your hero.

Hang in there.

Postponed

Happy 5th anniversary, darling.

It's funny how some seasons of life seem determined to occupy every bit of space. Doctor's appointments. Hospital stays. Getting stuck in Manila a little longer than expected. Coming home only to find another problem waiting for us.

Nothing dramatic on its own. Just enough little things piling up to keep pushing everything else aside.

So our celebration is postponed for now.

But I suppose anniversaries were never really about a specific day anyway. Five years happened regardless of the timing, the schedules, or the chaos. And through all the twists and turns, we're still here.

We'll celebrate when life finally takes a breath. For now, you can have this post. Love you!

Yielding

In a completely unrelated topic, this is one of those things I will definitely regret. Of course it's only afterwards that this feeling comes, but yeah, spending all that money and not win kind of sucks. I need to detox.

Another Day in Time

Life has been busy lately, with work, responsibilities, appointments, future plans, random worries. The usual things that somehow take up more space than we expect. So we've just been doing what we always do. Taking things one step at a time. Some days feel productive. Some days feel like we're just trying to keep up. But I guess that's life. Yet somehow, with all of these things, we are able to choose each other every time. Not perfectly, not dramatically, not in any grand way, but just choosing each other, every day.

It's our 15th anniversary of being together. We didn't do anything extravagant. No grand adventure. No big celebration. Just a little time together in between everything else (work and doctor's appointment). And honestly, that feels enough. Another day spent talking, planning, laughing, sharing a meal, and existing in the same space. Another day of choosing each other despite how busy life gets. Maybe anniversaries aren't always about making the day extraordinary. Maybe sometimes they're just a reminder that even on another ordinary day, we're still here. Together. And that's pretty nice.

I just hope that's how you feel about it too. Love you hun! See you here reading again in two weeks for our wedding anniversary!

No Matter What

Happy Birthday Darling!

I have now spent maybe fifteen birthdays with you (the first one might be arguable since we weren't together yet). This feels both a lifetime and a blink of an eye. We have shared so much in life, grew from young adults to a middle-aged couple, while still being kids together.

I know we both never enjoyed celebrating birthdays with big gatherings and what not, but I always want to make sure you feel loved on this day. I've probably failed at that sometimes too, but its what keeps this blog alive. You keep my writing just barely breathing lol.

I know these past few months haven't been the best for you, and what we face now will never be an easy path (with all the winding road and crossroads), but know that I will always be there holding your hand, walking with you, whichever path God leads us to. If there's anything I've learned these past fifteen years, it's that life somehow just works itself out. It may not be what you wish for, but it will be what's for you.

Our journey isn't all colors and rainbow (and I'm secretly worried I'm seeing the world different because I'm colorblind), but we've always stuck through it together. I haven't been the best provider, but know that I will always be there to carry you on my back when the time comes. 

And as I've always said. Love feels like home - and with you, that's how it'll always be. Wherever that may be.

Happy Birthday hun (and cheers to us mate!)

Nihongo Desu Ka

That was definitely a memorable trip. From having a random dinner of duck ramen one night and exploring Tokyo, to snowboarding (lessons) in Gala Yuzawa, and even enjoying our very small business hotel room - this Japan trip was definitely better than the last, probably because it's mostly just the two of us - which meant itinerary was solely up to us - and if we would follow it or not.

And even after 15 years (almost), we still get to experience firsts together.

I've mostly resolved to keeping this as a form of diary - I'm sure a few years from now I would (again) go through random posts and remember random memories - all while cringing (or smiling).

We'll definitely be back. So much more to do, but would rather enjoy them slowly than cramming so many activities in one trip. But no matter how many times we go back, I know when I read this, I'll remember the highlights of this trip.

Love you darling! Happy Valentine's Day!

Imperfect Moments

 I hope this puts a smile on your face for when you need it.

It has been a while. We stayed home in La Union for Christmas and New Year. Had simple pasta and wagyu. Finally did the house clean-up. Made time for co-op gaming and extra-curricular activities. A pretty chill vacation, honestly. 

My running and exercise improved, but still not at the level I had hoped to be at by then end of the year. 

Just writing some memories that may get lost along the way.

I'll try to be better at that too.

I feel like this is something we can read in ten or twenty years maybe.

Love you darling!

Vámonos

 Happy 4th wedding anniversary my darling!

We both agreed a few months ago that the Bali trip would serve as our celebration, so I hope the flowers were enough for today.

We'll have a simple lunch date - and fancy schmancy home-cooked "dinner". Just a very simple celebration for today. 

Love you hun! We'll get to where we want to be.

Vamonos!

Ending

I've been thinking about my mortality recently. Or fear of it. Mostly the fear of not existing. What happens? What happens to my consciousness? My Being? Then I think about my health. Why have I not been living healthily? Why haven't I been exercising regularly? Why am I being lazy about it? I convince myself I'll change. And I'll really try too. 

Then the mind becomes complacent. Goes on autopilot and forgets about these fears. Life goes on. Other more pressing concerns and worries. Other more important things that need focus.

Life, I guess.