It's tiring...

My plan backfired. I was supposed to be relaxing in the condo from Mondays to Fridays with only PE as my summer class. They found out, I get screwed. I have to go home every day now... and since there are no classes during TTH, I have to stay home... SAD! Worse, It's more tiring than ever... commuting was never easy and it seems it's a LOT more tiring now.

Oh and by the way... I spend around P450 a week just for commuting.
Ang daya ng may kabit... WAHAHA! [I know you can read this]
This sucks.

GHOST!

The ghosts are out and they have turned against me... It's done.

And more particularly... I'm troubled by a song.

Guilt

It seems guilt was used against me...

And now I feel so much guilt... I am ashamed [at least partly]

And so it's all in MY hands now...

Obviously... I've to make to right [and not the desired] decision.

All these events happened from 11:45PM to 3:00AM

There will be change.

Just like any other day..

Today is a tuesday... No classes today.

Hmm... got nothing to do... nowhere to go.. went to school and decided to get my ID [or submit the form first] then with nothing else to do, I decided to read Deception Point.
It's sad how I'm not part of the plans... stuck with the excess free time? Haha... not so funny
Got to the condo, PC was tempting... just decided to go online. And now I am

I'm not feeling very well... I have a headache, I'm hungry and sleepy[?] [maybe cause of the headache]
Give space... haha I think I should do that.
Basketball later... I HAVE to feel better.

OUT

Paradise!

You know the feeling when nothing matters but your goal?

the feeling when everything turns into nothing except your purpose

the feeling when your surroundings turn dark and all you see are all that are part of it

the feeling when your mind forgets everything except the present in those few minutes

the feeling of excitement in nearing its end

the feeling of adrenaline rushing through your body

the feeling of sweat dripping from your face

the feeling of glory

satisfaction

bliss

PARADISE!

It's been a while since I played basketball... that was fun! from 11PM to 12AM! YEAH! [But of course, the game had to be exciting... if it wasn't... it wouldn't be that fun haha]

Fears

I still have my fears... somehow, my mind just can't calm down. Although it only takes a stick to relax me, they just won't stop coming back. Fuckin persistent fears... like flies waiting to suck blood out of you... hahaha err.. dunno what I was talking about there.
Fuckin text messages
I fear a lot. I fear embarrasment. I fear losing. I fear failure. I fear.
Fuckin reactions
Sometimes, it's just too damn much that I can't stop running away.
Fuckin statements...
Blink for a second, Lose... Maybe being blind isn't half as bad as seeing the undesired.
Everything's changed?
I need to calm down... heart's beating too fast... worries.
Ah crap... paranoia strikes
Fuck the fears. Maybe I can smoke my way out.... maybe.
No discussion... I'm a sissy
I'm afraid... but the brave ones die first.

Hmm...

Expectations are EVIL! Haha!

It's hard when something you expect doesn't come. It's hard when you were a 100% sure it would come, and then it doesn't; And depending on the situation, it sucks! People expect alot. Expectations brings about hope. Hope is a double edged feeling. Failure to achieve something you have hoped for can really kill your self-esteem. Everything equals to DISAPPOINTMENT [This is mixed... HAHAHA!]
This paragraph pertains to more than one event
Yes... I expected a B in Filipino. And no, I only got a C [not even a C+]
Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if its still how it was. And what sucks more, is if it's my fault.
I think I'm gonna make the same mistake again and expect some more.

More Goodbyes... fuckin sucks!

I won't be writing who anymore... it's just sad

I'm thankful that I survived. [miraculously]

And i'll end it at that... since it won't REALLY be goodbyes.

ALIK!!!

At this very moment, you're probably getting ready to leave... packing the last minute stuff you need to pack... or probably just lying around doing nothing waiting for the inevitable.

Day 1 ORSEM - You were late
Day 2 ORSEM - You wrote on my plate "Sino ka?"
1st sem - Hung out after class AKA DOTA
- Found out kabarkada mo si Raf
- Vaguely remember being more you friend because of "ehem"
- Asked if I can sleep in your house, your parents see me, and they tell you that you're not allowed to go to Tagaytay with me and my friends. HAHA!
- Drinking in Condo [can't count how many times anymore]
- I THINK I heard from Raf that you told them I COULD be part of your barkada
- Filipino Class, hide behind you and sleep [never works]
- THOUGHT you were "pissed" at me [about replacing you in H-bomb? HAHA!]
- Amazed at your drinking capabilities! Haha! WEAK!
- Maco's house? You should've stopped me from drinking that glass of empy, straight.
- Danix cute? HAHAHA!
Sembreak - It was your fault I missed my sister's birthday. Drank in the condo after getting the reg forms. HAHAHA! Joke lang...
2nd sem - Math class, Fil class. Haha!
- Less inuman
- Less tambay [siguro dahil sa pagkawala ng bento, malayo na kasi lalakarin mo from LC eh... HAHAHA]
- Ang dakilang TAMAD
Summer - AKA Laguna
- Sinubukan ka pa rin sabayan... kahit skip every other round
- Best friend talk? HAHAHA!
- The C2 toast

There were the laughs, the tears, the hirits, the naps... unforgettable! [Although I'm sure there's a HELL LOT of stuff I forgot] HAHA! Nabasa mo ba ung dati kong entry sa LJ nung di ka na dapat mag-eenroll sa ateneo? Sinabayan naman kita diba? Di ako natulog... nauna ka pa nga nung sa Laguna [at alam naman ng lahat na marami kang dinaya para mas marami mainom mo at marami akong skip haha]. HAHA!

And as we spent our last days beating biz in strip killers... [forget about us "trashing" your house, sitting in your couch, watching in you TV, drinking you coke and getting annoyed with that 4-piece puzzle game just before the surprise] It was all fun. [Lalo na ung lumabas yung iyakin sa Laguna... HAHAHA!]

Paalam sa iyo, tamad kong kaibigan

This is bullshit!

Card day today... 2nd sem QPI 1.87... yearly QPI 2.26(?)... All my damn 1st sem efforts gone to waste. Oh well, at least I passed Physics and Math.

And now for the bullshit part... I am fuckin part of a fuckin youth group in my fuckin village. WTF? What the HELL is YOUR PROBLEM?!?! First of all, I have NO desire to join ANYTHING that would just add to my DAILY ERRANDS. Second, I have NO desire to join anything in our stupid village; And third, I JUST DON'T FUCKIN WANT TO JOIN THAT FUCKIN YOUTH GROUP!!! But you know what, I go home after getting my grades and I find out... I'm fuckin part of that fuckin youth group.

GAHD HOW I HATE YOU PEOPLE!!!

When they told me about it, I wanted to scream... instead, I laugh... I even joked about how it would just add to my "work" [although I'm sure we all know it's not a joke].

Yes, again, I hide my anger behind a "happy face"

Oh and for those who don't understand, my brother in law is the fuckin Youth Director in our village... this means more time with him this summer... and that means more hell.

Fuck you and have a nice day! :)

Please... give me my life back. Wait, that's wrong... PLEASE GIVE ME MY LIFE! I'm not asking to be detached from your family... I just want to enjoy what's left of my YOUTH!

Day 2

Haha.. missed a chance to talk on the phone... nyar!

Hmm... my body hurts... I think it's cause I did some pull ups... and tried to go more than I can... and now it hurts... hahaha!

Hmm... my day has been routinary. Wake up, go online, play poker, check blogs, play more poker, go offline and sleep. [In between those, I do errands, text and eat] Hahaha!

BORING!

I want a nice summer... and that means summer classes! YEAH! HAHAHA! Whatta nerd! [but, i'll be taking PE101 so... haha]

4 more days before a good friend leaves...
mambuntis ka na!!! HAHAHA!
Missing you more each day... haha... only day 2! Haha!

Day 1

Although we won't really see each other on the days that you're gone, it seems that I miss you more that you're farther away... HAHA! Weird? Dunno... haha!

Ok... more poker today... looks like poker is gonna be my bestfriend for the summer... UNLESS, I get allowed to take summer classes. PE 101... I don't want to take swimming for the next schoolyear... darn shit.

I'm wondering if dreams really do mean something... waiting? Haha! Or maybe the dream really wasn't supposed to be done yet... hmmm... Haha!

Monday... release of grades... yeah! Haha! I can't wait for that!

Poker makes me brain stay dead... that's not very bad hahahaha!

Role model...

Well you're definitely not one...

I swear I will never be like you! You fuckin disgust me! I HATE your lies, your style, your control over US. I will NEVER be like you and I swear that on the graves of my parents. You disgust me.

---------
Anyway, been playing poker all day [except the parts when I had to do errands]

Summer sucks... I miss you!

Cries and screams!

I was writing about stuff... then all of a sudden I just decided to erase everything.

I'm new!

Sleepy...

Assurance is tranquility in action

But my mind is corrupted for eternity...
I will be paranoid forever!!! Fuck shit
Relax, relax, relax...

I believe, no worries.

Another birthday passes by...

Where are my gifts? WHERE!?!?!

Haha! I'm just kidding!
No not really... I want my gifts as soon as I see you guys! HAHAHA!
My brother gave me 500 and my sister gave me one 0 more than what my brother gave me. I'm gonna wait a few days and ask them to pay me the allowance they held back which sums up to 5000! That means I have money for the summer. YEAH!

Things to buy:
-Shoes
-Shirts [I'll explain why later]
-A new pair of pants [I think I want more than one pair]
*Still thinking if I should screw all these and save up for an iPod

Ok... about the shirts. I washed my clothes [by this I mean dumping them in a washing machine and putting soap and wait for it to finish]. After washing, I got pissed. I realized all my fucking shirts had spots in them. EVEN MY BRAND NEW POLO! Gaddamshitmaderpaker! So now, I'm planning to buy new ones.

My birthday wasn't extraordinary. It was just like any other day. But it's pleasant nonetheless. I'm fuckin old. I'm 19. One more year and I'm no longer a teenager. Damn shit! I'll be an adult soon. GROW UP BOY! Hahaha!

My Birthday!

It's 2:18 AM... It's my birthday!

Thanks to all who remembered and greeted.

Thanks to all who did not know and greeted.

Thanks to those who just remembered and did not greet. [Not that I know who you are]

Thanks to those who didn't remember at all. [It's really not that important... Haha!]

Thanks to those who didn't know me and still greeted.

Thanks to Andre who "forced" a lot of people to greet me. [and I had no idea who they were]
Trini! I did not forget you! You were placed third
And most of all thanks to Nicole who was there to be the last to greet me advanced happy birthday, and first to greet me happy birthday. Oh and to have asked a HELL LOT of people to greet me... just around an hour ago.

It's only been 2hours of my birthday... and it's been happy! Thanks!

Sucks

After a really nice day... I get greeted by my fucking family.

Oh and it's not a birthday greeting

Fuck you!

Happiness

It's month number 2! Haha! I love you Nicole!

I had an old saying... Fuck the happy people! Now, I just look at that saying and say "Putangina, galit ako sa mundo nun ah!" Hahaha! Yeah, its really different now. I am happy.

What made me happy? It's that moment when we were texting while waiting for christmas eve. It's that moment when you stayed up and talked to me before leaving for HK. It's that moment when you remembered I was borrowing a CD that I forgot [which I lost too]. It's that moment in the rain where I held the umbrella as you stayed close to me to keep you from getting wet. It's that moment when you took a picture of what was our "yosi bonding" in starbucks with jompy. It's that moment when we were in Niña's car and then sandwiched [as you reminded me]. It's that moment in your car when I kissed your hand. It's that moment in your car when I finally did kiss you. It's that moment in the park when you said yes. It's those moments when we text all day about nothing, when you stay up just to talk on the phone, when you hold my hand as we walk around school, when you "make tampo" just so I'd "make you lambing", when you just suddenly kiss me, and even when you pinch/punch/hit/pull/scratch/[others] me, when you always say you love me more or that you say it first. It's all these and more.

I'm happy.

---------------------
Oh and I just wanted to say... I watched Ice Age for my birthday when I was in 1st year highschool... Ice Age 2 now that I'm in 1st year college. Haha!

Repressed thoughts...

It seems that these repressed thoughts tend to eat us until we cannot take it anymore. It's as if they slowly bite through our skins like worms trying to eat us alive. No wait, they fuckin suck out every essence of your soul! Fear, it is present , as always. Fear consequences when those thoughts are blurted out. Fear of other people's reactions towards them. Fear, it's what keeps those fuckin thoughts repressed.

A solution? I don't have any. I know something though, it won't go away. Personally, I have half my body being eaten by these worms.

Maybe dreams can be a solution. Maybe they are messages that try and tell us that repressed thoughts are not to be kept repressed. Maybe it actually a form of expressing the repressed thoughts.

Or maybe not.

Fuck the worms.

What is love?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Hahaha! YEAH! Cheating risk is zero!

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is high. You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person. And in return, you expect the same from who you love. Any sign of straying, and you'll end things. Experience Level: Your experience level is low. You've probably either had only one relationship.. Or all of your relationships have been very similar. You still have a lot to learn... and a lot to try! Dominance: Your dominance is medium. You tend to be the one with more power. You aren't a total control freak in relationships.. But of course you don't mind getting you way! Cynicism: Your cynicism is low. You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance. No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter. You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate. And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon. Independence: Your independence is low. This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships.. It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life. In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.

The Five Variable Love Test

HAHAHA! Really close to being true... just a few minor differences [well huge difference to the power part HAHA!]

Dreams

What are dreams?

I need to talk to Trini about this certain dream that I had. That dream wasn't very pleasant. Haha! The dream was that I got mad at someone because I caught her kissing another someone, repressed fears?
Sometimes, I just hate it when I'm too smart for my own good. Yes, you heard me right. I'm fucking too smart and too curious, which does me nothing but harm. It pisses me off!!!
Actually, it's what I end up seeing that pisses me off. I see things I shouldn't
So now I'm even more paranoid. Puzzles slowly dissolve in my mind like a powdered juice in water. It eventually becomes mixed enough that you can tell the taste of the juice. The puzzles get clearer. I did not ask for this... I think it's more of a curse now.
There is only one question in my mind, are you still considering it?
I think it's time I start communicating with Lorenzo and Alfie again. Althought it's highly unlikely since summer just started. DAMN SHIT!