I don't know when everything started to go wrong. It could've been when I stopped attending my meetings. It could've been when I chose to do a business rather than look for work. It could've been when decided to leave home and never come back. It could've been when I thought I didn't have to leave home and things would get better. It could've been way before these things ever happened, but nevertheless, it happened. I'm pretty sure something went wrong along the way.
Thing is, somewhere along the road, I decided to just give up. I'm pretty sure it was an unconscious decision, but somewhere sometime I thought that I didn't want to persevere. I just go through the day going through the motions. And whenever I had to spend time alone, I always had to worry. I worried about everything. I worried about my job, my money, my future. I was worried about how I was living life. It didn't feel good. It never did. I could be rationalizing but that's why I like smoking pot. I don't worry. I let my mind go free.
I like to imagine a lot. Before, I used to daydream whenever I can. I'd imagine I was a basketball star from my school, or I'd imagine what kind of powers I have or think of scenarios how I'd get to spend time with some girl that I like. Maybe it's cause I'm starting to get older but for some reason, I lost all my daydreaming days and started having my worrying days. I miss being carefree, not just be careless.
I spend a lot of time thinking how I'm gonna get over this. This sense of... I'm not sure how I can put it but I feel a sort of loss or regret. I had just spent my time playing poker and watching Forrest Gump and after, I felt something lacking.
I think it's direction. I know where I want to go, but I don't know where and how to start. I need that feeling where Forrest just stood up, after feeling hurt and lost, and started running. He just knew how to start. He didn't know where he was going but he started. I think that's what I need. I need to stop worrying about where I'm going and just go.
After all, life never goes the way you'd imagine it to be. You can try, but I'd bet something different comes along every time. That's the beauty of it, I guess. You never know what you're gonna get 'til it happens.