From Anonymous Comments to Finding a New Place to Live

Well that anonymous comment from the previous post was a welcomed surprise. I've always wanted to improve on writing, just never took steps on actually doing it. It'd be more of a surprise if that comment actually came from a complete stranger.

Anyway, I haven't found a solution to my most basic problem of finding a new place to live. After running away from home seven months ago, I've been staying with a really good friend who has been supportive from the start. In other words, he allowed me to be a freeloader. I promised myself I'd pay him back someday, and I will, just not anytime soon.

I've been looking for a new place since his grandparents are coming to visit and they would be staying at his place. He only lives with his dad so I was able to move in but now I'd be too ashamed to stay longer. I had planned on leaving sooner, but it was much harder than I thought.

I have found a temporary solution. I'll be staying with a different friend for a week, and another for the next week. I have a few more friends I can bother but I don't think this is the right solution. Should I run back home? I've been asking myself that question for quite a while now but I've always arrived at NO. Pride stops me. I want to show that I could live on my own, to prove it more to myself than anyone else.

Life really hasn't been kind. Although sometimes I think I don't let life be kind to me. Maybe I'm just making all the wrong decisions that keeps me stranded in this hole. It's hard to be confident and show optimism when things don't really go your way.

I want to be happy. I want to at least be contented with my life. At present, I can admit that I'm not happy or contented. Not even close. I show this facade of having things working out, but it's really not. I'm not happy.

I sure hope I'll have a place to call 'home' soon... It's been years since I had one.

Still trying to stand back up

I don't know when everything started to go wrong. It could've been when I stopped attending my meetings. It could've been when I chose to do a business rather than look for work. It could've been when decided to leave home and never come back. It could've been when I thought I didn't have to leave home and things would get better. It could've been way before these things ever happened, but nevertheless, it happened. I'm pretty sure something went wrong along the way.

Thing is, somewhere along the road, I decided to just give up. I'm pretty sure it was an unconscious decision, but somewhere sometime I thought that I didn't want to persevere. I just go through the day going through the motions. And whenever I had to spend time alone, I always had to worry. I worried about everything. I worried about my job, my money, my future. I was worried about how I was living life. It didn't feel good. It never did. I could be rationalizing but that's why I like smoking pot. I don't worry. I let my mind go free.

I like to imagine a lot. Before, I used to daydream whenever I can. I'd imagine I was a basketball star from my school, or I'd imagine what kind of powers I have or think of scenarios how I'd get to spend time with some girl that I like. Maybe it's cause I'm starting to get older but for some reason, I lost all my daydreaming days and started having my worrying days. I miss being carefree, not just be careless.

I spend a lot of time thinking how I'm gonna get over this. This sense of... I'm not sure how I can put it but I feel a sort of loss or regret. I had just spent my time playing poker and watching Forrest Gump and after, I felt something lacking.

I think it's direction. I know where I want to go, but I don't know where and how to start. I need that feeling where Forrest just stood up, after feeling hurt and lost, and started running. He just knew how to start. He didn't know where he was going but he started. I think that's what I need. I need to stop worrying about where I'm going and just go.

After all, life never goes the way you'd imagine it to be. You can try, but I'd bet something different comes along every time. That's the beauty of it, I guess. You never know what you're gonna get 'til it happens.

How I spent my day

I just spent around 17 of my previous 21 hours playing online poker...

I spent around 2 hours eating and taking a bath...

The other 2 hours would be distributed to the time I used the computer but not playing poker.

Wow... Life is pretty exciting :|

What I think I feel

'I don't feel like I have to conform when I'm with you.'

Movies I want to watch / watch again

Big Fish, Godfather trilogy, Cast Away, Wanted, Iron Man 2, and more to be remembered.

Haven't been online for the past few days because I couldn't

Don't remember anything significant as of the moment that I want to not forget...

I should really write them down... I forget easy

I think I thought something like 'I can't be a writer because if I turn writing into a job I'd probably hate it'.

Memories

I've decided to use this blog as a memory bank.

I'm worried I might have some sort of brain disease or malfunction that would hinder me remembering my memories in the future. After all, there seems to be a huge blank regarding my childhood. There are fragments, but somehow I don't remember the important ones. Can you believe that I don't even remember my birthdays? Or maybe it's normal. I hope it's normal.

Whoever ends up here, please don't judge me. I no longer advertise this stupid blog so I hope you understand that I'm writing here expecting no one (even if I do write as if I'm talking to someone) to read it.

Piercing pain

For about two weeks now, I've been having these random encounters with 'heartburn like' pains. At first I thought nothing of it. I'd assume it'll go away just like every ailment I've had. Unfortunately it hasn't gone away and I'm getting sort of worried. I don't really have any money to get myself checked out so I decided 2 days ago to stop smoking. I haven't smoked since. I thought at first it wouldn't work since I still felt the piercing pain every now and then (it's actually really frequent, around 5 to 8 times a day) but now, it's a full day without feeling that pain.

Quitting wasn't and still isn't a problem for me. It's just that the thought of smoking having negative effects on my body doesn't really go on the top of my list of worries. I might smoke again when I feel comfortable with how long I have not felt the pain, and I might not.

Then again, I'd have less expenses if I quit smoking :D

In the near future

Something I'd want to be able to say soon...

"It didn't come true, my wish, my goal.. it didn't come true. I made it happen"

I need to believe and trust myself completely. I can no longer have half-assed answers.

Heart thumping

It's a pain when you fail to achieve other people's expectations... It's more of a pain when you realize that other people expect more from you than what you expect of yourself, and even then you couldn't deliver.

It's a pain to please everyone, it's a pain to please anyone at all.

I'm just so annoyed at being helpless.