Friday, December 31, 2010

Delayed Christmas Post

It was the second Christmas away from home, being with friends instead of family. But then again, these people are my new family.

What can I say? Nothing much really. I spent Christmas Eve asleep. However, the Christmas parties were good. Christmas dinner with the block, the Jboys Christmas Party at 2AM ( aka the After Party), the Pangasinan get away with Banzai. All in all, I felt the Christmas spirit, but I think I was too depressed to enjoy them to my heart's content.

I'm sick and tired of being the charity guy. I know people help out because I need it but I just hate that feeling. (I do need it btw, so I'm not refusing them). I hate the way it makes me feel about myself, like a failure of sorts.

I should be happy. It's been more than a year since I left home and it's nothing like I imagined it.

It's like I'm sinking lower and lower and I'm too tired to get back up, not that I ever tried getting back up.

But like I've said before, we just can't stop writing our stories. It goes on long after the happy ending you watched in movies.

Happiness is but a high, kinda like being drunk. It's an adventure for as long as you're drunk... and ends when you're finally sober.

I don't want to be sober.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Depression

As I read through this week's secrets from postsecret.com, one secret caught my attention. It read "When I go through old things of my dad's I secretly wish he left me a letter to say goodbye, knowing he wouldn't survive."

I think that's exactly how I feel. My parents both died of cancer. They probably knew they were going to die. Or not. I will never know. But the simple fact that there was an increased chance that they would, couldn't they have written me something? Anything?

Or maybe they did, I just never received it.

I wanted to know my dad. I wanted to spend more time with my mom. I never got what I wanted, can't life at least give me a break from all this depression I'm feeling recently?

I'm so happy I could die.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Who am I kidding?

I'm having fun and that's what matters right?

No, because society tells you that you have to be a productive member to live a comfortable life.

We are all slaves to our own selfish reasons to live better lives.

I just don't feel the urgency cause there isn't any. There is no cause for alarm, no dramatic 'I don't know what to do with life' shit. Well there was, until I realized I haven't been living life cause I was too busy worrying how I should live it to have a better future.

Well you know what? Screw that. I'm selfish and I want to enjoy today. I'll let my future self worry about how he lives his life and he should let me worry about how I live mine.

It's not like my past self would come out of nowhere and kick my ass for not being what he thought I'd be.

Monday, December 06, 2010

Dream girl

Alison Lohman

'nuff said.