Nurture

It seems as though I am an overly jealous boyfriend.

I used to think it was because I felt like my ex-girlfriend cheated on me. But it looks as if it is rooted deeper than that. Maybe as far back as 2000.

I was very young then. It had only been a couple of years since my mom died. New responsibilities were rested upon my shoulders, from being the youngest child of my parents, to being the eldest of my sister's family.

Things were changing. My brother-in-law and my sister "became my parents". As time went by, there were things I started to notice.

I can't exactly remember how or when I found out, but I realized soon that my brother-in-law was cheating on my sister. I didn't do anything back then, nor did I do anything ever, but I was never comfortable with it.

I always hated it when he was on the phone, late at night, hiding in the dark, watching the stairs in case my sister comes down from their room.

I always cringed whenever he would talk about his "sexcapades" with me, my brother and my cousins. I was a bit older then, but still I did nothing.

Years passed, the family had it's share of trials and difficulties, and the open secret that my brother-in-law was cheating had come out in the open. The family business went bankrupt, relationships soured, but in the end, they stayed together.

More years passed and more difficulties have arose. I left home even before I graduated. We reconciled but I never went back. They're living in very poor conditions, some days they struggle to find food to eat because of lack of money.

I can't really say I blame the cheating for all this misfortune, but it must've been part of it. And to have been exposed to that at a very young age, it must've affected me too.

I really can't express enough the disdain I feel regarding cheating. Even when I just read about it, or even watching it in a show or a movie, I can't help but feel disdain towards it.

And at it's core, is the fear of it happening to me. As a defense mechanism, I tend to try and figure everything out in advance, even when these thoughts are mere speculations with no ground.I know this post seems like I'm trying to defend myself, and maybe it is, but it's also a post to clear things up, give you an idea of what's running around my head.

In the end, I always believe that things are fine. But there will be times when I will be bothered, and I will reach out slowly, cautiously. Please bear with me.