Truth

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you is blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more
Than you'll ever know
When part of me died
Will I let you go?

Of course I will. I am doing so now. And this will probably be the last this will ever be spoken of.

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I cried. Just a while ago. And no, I did not cry about the break up. My brother in law and I were talking. About life... our lives, my life. Argh... Things just really suck. There is a big possibility I won't be back next sem. Very big possibility now that I think about it. Everything is just piling up too much.

They talked to me about it. My sister and her husband are already having a hard time having to pay for my tuition... including the tuition of their 9 other children. Yeah... So I might have to accept it. I've only told a few people about this. I'm probably off to hawaii... and if I don't enroll next sem.. that seals the deal. I'm out of here...

I don't want to... I definitely DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE. But the current circumstances are not allowing me to actually be one to decide... I mean.. I don't really have anything. I don't have fuckin work to support myself now do I?

I can't even blame them... they've given me so much. I may seem to hate them from time to time because of my selfish wants... but deep inside I'm thankful they even decided to let me study and shit. But now... things are just not... stable.

Fuck... It's actually all I can say now. I'm hating everything right now. Tangina... iyakin talaga ko.

No one knows me. No one knows the shit I've been through. Everyone just thinks, "Oh this guy is always smiling, this guy is from Southridgee, this guys studies in Ateneo"... no one fuckin knows the shit I've been through... and for that same fact the shit I'm going to go through.

Love life? That doesn't even seem a problem anymore....

I want to be able to have the teenager problems... I want to have to go through the fuckin problems kids my age go through.... not this... not money shit... not business shit... not losing the only thing that's close enough to be called my family... not these... Tangina!

Do you know the feeling of having to worry about how you would fuckin pay for your fuckin bills? The fuckin feeling of having to worry if my sister would have enough to spare to pay for my tuition? The fuckin uncertainties...

I do. And I don't want it. Like hell I hate it. I know other people worry about this too... but most likely it's their parents that do the worrying for them... I wonder where mine are?

Di ko na kaya......

And forgive me for lingering in this stage of self pity.... Something told me I just had to let things out somehow.

Life's uncertainties... I always told myself it was what spices up our lives. It's what keeps life interesting....

So much for trying to be optimistic...

Pero alam mo? Kapag kausap kita? Kapag kasama kita? Kapag iniisip kita? Masaya ako...

Yun nalang ang sasabihin ko tungkol dun. Dahil hanggang dun nalang yun.

Tanginang buhay 'to! Ang drama! Haha... tite. And please... wag na wag nyo akong kakausapin tungkol sa mga sinulat ko dito. Kung tingin ko mapagkakatiwalaan kita at gusto kita kausapin... lalapitan kita at iiyakan.

Ok.. let's all go back to normal. Where everyone sees me as the carefree asshole that cares about nothing but cigarettes and sleep. It's much better that way. If you read this completely... I thank you. If you didn't, good for you.

-End truth-