Christmas Post

Well, it's my third Christmas away from home. Things have been different this year though. I got to spend the day after Christmas with my family. Visited home for a couple of hours.

Funny thing though, I wanted to point out how I spent Christmas with a third different family this year. 2 years ago, I was with the Jean Jaquet's and the Duerme's. A year ago, I was with the Santos's. This year, well, I was with Aize's family. However, spending the whole of Christmas eve there was a bit of an accident.

Anyway, I just started to think about how I've forgotten how it is to be part of a family. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate fully how I've grown into being part of the Santos family, but the bottom line is, I'm really not. There's that underlying emotion or belief that I'm really just an outsider being provided a spot.

Just a side note: I already wrote this post, but posting failed so half of the post got erased. I tried, if just slightly annoyed, to rewrite it, but I feel that I failed, if not miserably. But I'm posting it anyway.

I miss that feeling of comfort. That freedom of being in your own home, with your own rules (provided that it's in line with the rules of your home). I miss that sense of belonging, that concept of "home is where the heart is" or "there's no place like home". However, not to take anything away from those who have helped me over the past couple of years, I've since lost that feeling even when I was still living at home.

But this Christmas, I sort of felt it. That comfort, that sense of belonging. I had a great time spending Christmas with you, and although it was awkward for me to spend Christmas with your family, the time when we were alone, I was most comfortable. I felt that, if just ever so slightly, I was 'home'.

Living with a friend's family has it's disadvantages. I'm never fully comfortable, just because there's that idea at the back of my mind that this isn't where I'm supposed to be. Maybe that's why it was never 'home' for me. Maybe 'home' is what/where/how I make of it, maybe it's just an idea, or a feeling. But whatever it may be, I've long since felt it, and you reminded me. We didn't need a flashy Christmas experience, we just needed to be together, and it was enough, as cheesy as it may sound.

I always heard that it's the people that make the house a home. Maybe the house wasn't really a factor. Just the people in it.

Christmas

Wrong title. Happy Monthsary! It's been 4 months, given that we see each other almost every day, it's a feat that we aren't, at the very least, terribly annoyed with each other.

Anyway, this year, I happen to have the greatest gift Christmas can possibly offer. I've got a well-paying job (if it really isn't the career I would/should have, at the very least I'm earning a nice enough amount). I've got a great girlfriend to spend it with, and a gift that I would not have expected nor believed until actually had it. Thank you! Honestly, I would not have bought one for myself, but you did, and well, thanks!

I doubt that this would be my Christmas post. I always have it, usually with a slight melancholic tone about how the year has been. I haven't had the time to ponder on such things. I've been a enjoying myself too much these past couple of months.

I guess Christmas won't be so cold this time around.

Jumping Topics

I've always wondered how I would spend the money I would eventually win (wishful thinking) in the lottery. I figured I wouldn't have to work anymore. Maybe I'll see if I can set up some businesses. But mainly, I figured I can just put around 10 million in 5 different time deposit accounts, I can earn 100K every month without actually spending my money. Not bad right? Now I just need to actually start betting in the lottery :|

This was one of the random thoughts that pass me when I try to get myself to sleep. Sometimes, my mind would wander from this point, joyfully moving to how I would repay friends who have helped me along they way. I would reminisce on how a number of my friends were able to lend me a total of 1 semesters tuition in Ateneo, how I had to look for a place to live because my house no longer felt like my home, or how I would end up living with a friend's family long after I graduated.

It doesn't end there though. Sometimes my imaginations run too far that I have a hard time remembering where it started. Sometimes, I even get too lost in my thought that once I remember that I'm actually daydreaming, I forget most, if not all, of what I had just been thinking about.

And looking back, this might be the reason why I can't remember a lot of things from the past. I may have lived life too much in my daydreams, my stories, my imaginations.

Religious

My mom would kill me for this, but I've lost that sense of belief in religion. Don't get me wrong, I believe in God, that there is a God, that a supreme being is responsible for all creation, but I just don't think I'm fully convinced that Christianity is the truth.

I've long stopped attending Sunday Masses. I haven't received Communion in years. However, I still pray every so often. Maybe it's the new age that brought this about but I just can't be completely convinced that an organization of faith that was built by men, with its practices created by men, and beliefs and teachings crafted and interpreted by men to be completely divine. Although many claim that it takes faith to believe, I have to wonder if after centuries of Christianity passing through the hands and ideas of men, would it not be possible, and highly probable, that it has long been tainted of "humanity"?

The Church has a long list of "sins" of their own, and probably a longer list of secrets, so I can't help but doubt that Christianity is a lot more human than one should think. It's just that it has been instilled in my beliefs for a good part of my childhood that I can't help but stick with some of the practices/ideas/traditions/beliefs.

What's this got to do with anything? Well, it's almost Christmas and I've got my yearly Mass to attend. So judge me for being a hypocrite, but I never said I completely denied religion anyway. Sometimes, I think having religion keeps half of the world's population sane, and the other half insane.

Inserted apology

I've been stuck in this page for a couple of minutes now, unable to write anything worth a damn. I can't even seem to find the words to continue this thought.

I messed up a couple of minutes ago. I failed to notice that she was online. Add up the scenario where I slept throughout our time going home together. Fail.

On other news, I'm getting fatter. And fatter. Before I started working, I weighed 120 lbs. A few months ago, I was hovering around 125. Just about a month ago, I reached a 133. And a week ago, I reached 138 lbs. I need to start exercising.

I still don't have anything worth a damn to say, but maybe by writing pointless stuff like these, I can get started with writing again.

I'm sorry. :(