Where avoiding knowing the results happens

I wasn't able to wake up for today's Lakers VS Suns game. In order to keep the excitement when I watch the replay, I kept myself away from the internet and other friends who watched it. I made sure not to know what happened. I had a seminar to attend that afternoon from 1PM to 5 PM so I was able to easily distract myself from finding out what happened in the game.

Kobe's dagger almost made me cry. It was such a perfect shot. It delivered a message that says something like "I know you guys are good, and I'm sorry to be doing this but I gotta make it to the finals. This one's for you Gentry." And right in front of Alvin Gentry, right by the great defense of Grant Hill, right in front of the thousands of Suns fans in US Airways Center, Kobe made the seemingly easy shot that, in my opinion, sealed the win for the Lakers. Kobe had to give Gentry a little tap on the side. Kobe had to glide. That was the dagger.

Had I known that shot was coming, it would've been less dramatic. Thankfully, I didn't

Now, all that's left is retribution and payback for the embarrassment that was NBA Finals 2008

Wakes and Funerals

My friend's dad just died and I came from the wake. Obviously we weren't really there to visit his dad, but to show support to our friend.

The longer I stayed, the more curious I was as to how it had been during my parent's wakes. I'm pretty sure I have no memory on my dad's wake and as far as his funeral went, I remember I was asleep on my mom's lap. I should have a memory on my mom's wake, but somehow, I can't seen to remember any, not even trivial things. I don't even remember looking inside the casket. I have some memories I think I remember but I'm not sure about them.

One memory pops up though. My aunt was crying and wailing so loud when it was time for her to be moved to where she would be buried. I remember I was crying, but then I think I was crying because everyone else was too. My brother didn't though. He was just staring at the casket.

During the funeral itself, I don't remember anything except when it was over and the same aunt who had been crying so hard was saying comforting things like my mom's in a better place and at least she's no longer suffering and things like that. Looking back, she might have been saying that more to herself than to me.

Maybe I did block out those memories, maybe being only 10 years old then makes it hard to remember that day, but I wonder how I would've felt if it happened when I can fully grasp the meaning of that day: that my most wonderful mom died and I would never get to see her again. I would NEVER get to see her again. I might have been to young to understand it then. NEVER. That's a really long time. Can you imagine?

But I dare not say that I was lucky they died while I was young. I would've given anything to have them still be with me today. ANYTHING. The joy of having more time spent with them completely outweighs the pain that I would feel it they died today. At least that's what I think.

But I do remember waking up right beside my mom when she died in her sleep.

Funny thing was that I still went to school that day and I couldn't understand why people were offering me their condolences. I didn't even know what that meant then. Actually, I don't even remember how they found out.

I don't think it's normal that I don't remember a lot of things...

Title

A part of me wants to go home. A bigger part of me wants to prove to myself that I don't need to go home right now. I need to make myself independent and make my own path, then decide whether I still want to go home.

Maybe it's pride, maybe it's shame... either way, I don't think I'll ever be going home.

It makes me sad, thinking about how things blew out of proportions. But I made a choice, and maybe I didn't realize it then, or maybe I just don't want to admit it, but I chose to be free, and that choice includes the responsibilities that go along with it.

I keep telling myself I've matured... but really... have I?

I need that someone to push me to want to be better. I never admit it, but I think I need to have someone to want me to be better.

But then again... :|

Unfair

I think life hasn't been fair to me since the day my mom died. Just when I thought it may have given me times where I felt life was giving me back what it owed me, it takes it away and screws me over.

The problem with this thought, I think life owes me something. Life is supposed to give me something better because it hasn't given me anything but shit for years. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. Just cause I'm a good guy doesn't mean I deserve a good life. Just cause I've suffered enough doesn't mean I can take a break. Life's just not fair and it'll never strive to be fair.

When I start accepting that things won't just go my way unless I force it to, nothing's gonna work out for me...

I guess I gotta get off this bandwagon and start walking my own path.

Scared

I'm scared as hell, ready to piss my pants...

What have I gotten myself into?

Random thought

Why is self sacrifice more heroic than bending one's principles to live and fight another day?

Martyrdom over self-preservation?

Isn't survival to fight for the principles you believe in, to do everything until your last breath more heroic than simply standing up for those same principles and dying by them?

I can't sacrifice anymore...

Or maybe I'm just not a hero

Procrastination

Listening to John Mayer while procrastinating on a report that I should have been done with yesterday.

It feels as if I'm not prepared for this huge responsibility of running a business. Or maybe I act this way since I still treat it as an academic requirement, even if its not, but either way, it seems that I am not ready for this type of responsibility. Did I make the wrong decision?

Would it be wrong to give up now and screw over my fellow 'groupmates' (for lack of better term) by leaving the business and just look for a real job? I fear I might do more harm staying with the business than just doing it on the side. I'm confused. I thought this was the safe, comfortable and easy way out of looking for a job. This time, I have more people to disappoint. Makes me feel like a failure, even if I haven't actually started.

These insecurities need to get out of my head. Besides that, I just gotta be more mature in handling this business. I know the solutions. I know the steps. I just don't know if I can do it.

Even now, I find it a hassle to go all the way home to Las Piñas just to vote... even if I consider voting an integral duty of every person for his country and his fellowmen. It wouldn't sound like something I'd write but I believe it anyway.

Grow up... You need to.