Tuesday, October 31, 2006

More thoughts

Bye bye beautiful...

Hahaha!

And now... I don't feel like blogging anymore.

Bye bye too blog.

Bye bye everyone.

-lokisout-

Thoughts

Wait... let's get everything straight first. I don't have a thing with the girl... I don't know shit if she likes me back or not. So yeah... that clears it.

She makes me happy. But the current situation is just not good. ARGH.

Both are close to my heart [yes, its very true]...

And right now, I have this TERRIBLE feeling there is some misinterpretation going on.

ARGH!

Let's get everything straight now. I like her. I like her a lot. I would definitely want to continue this thing... But there's this whole thing of what I have to lose... like a friend maybe. Or worse, friends.

So there. I'm still not decided. Me, being the usual good guy would say I should stop... But... a big part of says I shouldn't because it makes me happy. But then I think, what about the rest? I'm gonna be selfish if I just think of myself right? Damn it...

Fine! I've to admit... I'm not regretting that this developed. But... now... I'm just in a dilemma.

Wow... that was hard. I admitted everything to myself now. That makes it... true. ARGH

Monday, October 30, 2006

Back to normal

I may have screwed up getting allowed to galera with my blockmates... just coz I had to stay in Katip... well including the fact that I was too lazy to go home anyway... ARGH! SHIT SHIT SHIT!

Ignorance is bliss. And to counter those who say otherwise... you probably do say that it is not bliss because you have found out something you do not want to find out or there you want to find out something but you cannot. Did that make sense? Argh... bigla akong tinamad mag explain.

There's something... something about you that... ARGH! Tangina naman 'to eh.. ang hassle. Bakit? Bakit ganun? I can't seem to stop myself or avoid it when you're there... MGA KAIBIGAN! TULONG!

I tried... I did... but when she initiates it... ARGH! ARGH! ARGH! TANGINA NAMAN EH... Tae

Back to some thinking...

Ok no... now I just can't get this shit out of my mind. What do I do now? Bakit naman kasi hindi ko pinigilan eh... argh argh argh... ngayon tuloy... TAE!

Yeah... this shit? It's normal... ARGH!

You make me feel like I can get lost inside your eyes

------------------edit 1:12AM----------------------
Ngayon ko lang nabasa ulit... parang tungkol pala kay nicole 'to? WAHAHAHA! Pero hindi... sobrang hindi!

Ok... yun lang.

Truth

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you is blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more
Than you'll ever know
When part of me died
Will I let you go?

Of course I will. I am doing so now. And this will probably be the last this will ever be spoken of.

---------

I cried. Just a while ago. And no, I did not cry about the break up. My brother in law and I were talking. About life... our lives, my life. Argh... Things just really suck. There is a big possibility I won't be back next sem. Very big possibility now that I think about it. Everything is just piling up too much.

They talked to me about it. My sister and her husband are already having a hard time having to pay for my tuition... including the tuition of their 9 other children. Yeah... So I might have to accept it. I've only told a few people about this. I'm probably off to hawaii... and if I don't enroll next sem.. that seals the deal. I'm out of here...

I don't want to... I definitely DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE. But the current circumstances are not allowing me to actually be one to decide... I mean.. I don't really have anything. I don't have fuckin work to support myself now do I?

I can't even blame them... they've given me so much. I may seem to hate them from time to time because of my selfish wants... but deep inside I'm thankful they even decided to let me study and shit. But now... things are just not... stable.

Fuck... It's actually all I can say now. I'm hating everything right now. Tangina... iyakin talaga ko.

No one knows me. No one knows the shit I've been through. Everyone just thinks, "Oh this guy is always smiling, this guy is from Southridgee, this guys studies in Ateneo"... no one fuckin knows the shit I've been through... and for that same fact the shit I'm going to go through.

Love life? That doesn't even seem a problem anymore....

I want to be able to have the teenager problems... I want to have to go through the fuckin problems kids my age go through.... not this... not money shit... not business shit... not losing the only thing that's close enough to be called my family... not these... Tangina!

Do you know the feeling of having to worry about how you would fuckin pay for your fuckin bills? The fuckin feeling of having to worry if my sister would have enough to spare to pay for my tuition? The fuckin uncertainties...

I do. And I don't want it. Like hell I hate it. I know other people worry about this too... but most likely it's their parents that do the worrying for them... I wonder where mine are?

Di ko na kaya......

And forgive me for lingering in this stage of self pity.... Something told me I just had to let things out somehow.

Life's uncertainties... I always told myself it was what spices up our lives. It's what keeps life interesting....

So much for trying to be optimistic...

Pero alam mo? Kapag kausap kita? Kapag kasama kita? Kapag iniisip kita? Masaya ako...

Yun nalang ang sasabihin ko tungkol dun. Dahil hanggang dun nalang yun.

Tanginang buhay 'to! Ang drama! Haha... tite. And please... wag na wag nyo akong kakausapin tungkol sa mga sinulat ko dito. Kung tingin ko mapagkakatiwalaan kita at gusto kita kausapin... lalapitan kita at iiyakan.

Ok.. let's all go back to normal. Where everyone sees me as the carefree asshole that cares about nothing but cigarettes and sleep. It's much better that way. If you read this completely... I thank you. If you didn't, good for you.

-End truth-

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Ayaw

Bakit ayaw makapost?

Heart to heart

Matagal na rin akong hindi nalalasing...

Well, technically hindi ako nalasing nun pero malakas ang tama.

Heart to heart talk with Biz? HAHA! And Raf and Espe and Jose?

Hello Hawaii?

Argh.

And just now.. I.. I have to accept the bitter truth.

I wouldn't want that to end. Definitely not.

There will be others. I know there will be.

So instead of saying I'll let things flow... I should say I'll be avoiding it. Argh

I hate it when I have to accept something like this.. Maybe the rewards would be better.

What do I do now? Personally, I think its too risky... too much on the line... ARGH!!!!!!!!

Dahil putangina mas mahal kita... [as of the moment? WAHAHA! Joke lang]

Ang bading mo! HAHAHA!

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Step by step

Slowly... I'm getting good at this thing hahaha!

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I'm wondering where I'm gonna be sleeping tonight. Ah basta! may inom hahaha!

Bread pan! Bread pan! Bread pan! Masarap!

Ok.. post of nothingness. Post of bullshitness. Post of me waiting because I cannot see you, hear you, feel you. Hahaha! Ang labo.

This may never start.
We could fall apart.
And I'd be your memory.

Xandre and Jay talk

I think we are all blind. And we are all looking for the person to guide us, accompany us. We find them... we do.. but sometimes, they get tired, they end up misleading you, leaving you... right smack in the middle of nowhere. HAHAHA!

I'm trying to decide. I think misinterpretation is kicking in again. Plus... there are too much complications to be considered.

I am now sure that I've moved on or at least I'm nearing the ending stages. And I don't have to prove it to myself or to anyone.

Ang dami kong banned songs... HAHAHA! I get the jitters when I hear it. Is that a bad sign? Haha! And you people should never ever play it when I'm there. I was caught off guard about a month ago by a friend. MYCKO!!!

Xandre: pero siyempre... yun naman ang gusto nating lahat eh... yung assurance na... everything will be fine...
True true... Too bad it's far from reality.

Xandre: alam mo kasi... yung sakit na nararanasan mo... eh paghihirap lang ma understand at matanggap na ganun ang buhay...i mean once you know na... lifes a bitch and continue doing what you are used to...
Xandre: magiging okay na

I have to disagree. Life is better than this. I just got unlucky. And some other reasons... Lazy. Haha!

Tae tama na nga!

there's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
everything she does is beautiful
everything she does is right

and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

Xandre: maraming nagsasabing ignorance is bliss...
Xandre: pero..
Xandre: sa ngayon...
Xandre: nagtataype ako para may delaying tactics habang iniisip ko ang nais kong sabihin para lang magmukhang philosopher
Jay:
Jay:
Jay:
Jay: nice one
Xandre: pero... ang katangahan ay hindi nagdadala sa atin sa masmataas na kaligayahan...
Xandre: naging kontento na sila sa stage of happiness nilaJay: pwede
Jay: pero kce
Jay: un lang ung alam nilang happiness

Jay: kce they lack the mental capacity to know otherwise
Xandre: tayong may mga gustong gumawa ng our own path... crave more... and thus... work harder...
Jay: exactly
Xandre: kaya... the gist of everything is..
Jay: magyosi nalang
Xandre: once na malaman mo na yung paghihirap at kasakitan na iyong dinaranas ay isang blessing
Jay: FOR LIFE
Jay: hahaha
Xandre: na tipong magdadala sayo sa greater happiness...
Xandre: maiipit ka sa stage na nagdudusa...
Xandre: there.. i told in tagalog na ah... the whole conversation

Hello peeps

Alam kong hindi pepwedeng maging tayo

Hahaha! I have my niece's boyfriend's iPod! HAHA! Astig.

Maaari bang pagbigyan? Aalis na nga, maaari bang hawakan ang iyong mga kamay?

Mas mabilis ako kiligin ngayon ah... hahaha! Di na sanay? Hahaha!

Ang sakit ng tiyan ko... ang dami ko ata kinain... argh!

My new favorite expression! ARGH! Haha!

Alam nyo guys... recently ko lang narealize... matagal na pala akong GG. Akala ko kce hindi eh. Argh! Hahaha! Bitter ampota.

Pero para sayo, ako'y magbabago, kahit mahirap, kakayanin ko

Ang saya saya ko. Kahit alam kong walang patutunguhan itong istoryang binubuo ko. Argh! Kelangan i-rewrite ang istorya! HAHAHA!

Argh. Argh talaga. Haha!

I'll try to be so perfect you'll see

You're barely waking And I'm tangled up in you

Tae... Tingin ko talaga mali ginagawa ko. Argh! We need to talk. Yes. Ikaw. Ikaw nga. Sino ba sa tingin mo ikaw? Tara usap tayo.

No title

I'm bored.

Basketball in San Jose tomorrow afternoon and despedida at night.

Argh.. tomorrow will be good. FRIENDS TIME! HAHA!

Coz we're getting to know each other a little too well

ASA KA PA! Haha... sobrang asa pa ko hahaha! But hey, I'm happy right?

Monopoly online is really cool! Hahaha! You guys should try it. Link is http://www.atari.com/us
Just work your way to the monopoly area.

I have to wake up early tom... stupid errands. Oh well... haha!

Im still too lazy to answer blogthings... maybe later. HAHAHA!

Friday, October 27, 2006

More more more quizzes

Because I am bored

You Are 37% Open

You are open at times, but generally you don't let many people into your inner world.
It's possible that you have a friend or two that knows you well.
But to most people, you are a total mystery.

Hrmm... quite true I think

You Are A Jealous Ex

You're not quite over your past, and you are hurt that your ex is moving on
You're no longer in love, but you're not done with being pissed
Jealous of any happiness that comes your ex's way, you still can't let go

Well this one's funny... ARGH!

You Are 19 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

YEAH! At least something's right. HAHA!

You Are 39% Vain

Okay, so you're slightly vain from time to time, but you're not superficial at all.
You are realistic. You know that looks matter. You just try to make them matter less.

HAHAHA! Amen!

You Are 40% Selfish

In general, you are a very giving person who treats others very well.
But at times, you insist on getting your way - when it matters most to you.

Hmm.. possible

You Passed 8th Grade Spanish

Congratulations, you got 7/8 correct!

YEAH! I learned something in Spanish!!! WAHAHA!

You Are 36% Happy

You're not miserable, but you could stand to be a lot happier.
Focus on what's right in the world, and you'll be happier than you ever thought possible.

Labo naman kce ng mga tanong eh!

You Are 40% Shy

You are slightly shy, but overall, your reactions to social situations are normal.
You dread difficult social situations, but you still handle them with grace.

Ewan...

You Are an Emo Rocker!

Expressive and deep, lyrics are really your thing.
That doesn't mean you don't rock out...
You just rock out with meaning.
For you, rock is more about connecting than grandstanding.

Well this was pretty obvious...

Your Luck Quotient: 37%

You have a low luck quotient.
You've had a few lucky experiences, but overall, you feel like a pretty unlucky person.
Good luck can come your way, but you have to be more trusting in the world.
Have some new experiences. Meet some new people. You never know where luck can be lurking!

Eh? Haha

More quizzes some other time

YES IM FUCKIN BORED

Ehk

Well... that's that. Haha! I wanted it to last longer.. HAHA! It probably will... and I'm gonna find out before the break ends.

Bored to shit... I want bread pan! Haha! Tangina da'best!

You Are 30% Extrovert, 70% Introvert

You are quite reserved
You aren't afraid of social situations...
But you very much prefer to go it alone
And why not? You're your own best friend!

Oooh... True? Uhuh!

You Are a Natural Flirt

Believe it or not, you're a really effective flirt.
And you're so good, you hardly notice that you're flirting.
Your attitude and confidence make you a natural flirt.
And the fact that you don't know it is just that more attractive!

Uh... yeah right! Haha! I am definitely not a natural flirt. I don't even flirt!

Your Kissing Technique Is: Perfect

Your kissing technique is amazing - and you know it.
You have the confidence to make the first move.
And you always seem to know what kissing style is going to work best.
Sometimes you're passionate, sometimes you're a tease. And you're always amazing!

WAHAHAHAHA! ASA KA BOI!

You Are Elektra

There's really no superhero with more style than you.
Because who could beat being sexy assasin ninja?

Argh! Why a girl?!?!

Your Love Song Is

Wonderwall by Oasis

"I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now"

You know what you want - but does that person want you?

This test was for girls only... but I think it fits quite nicely.

He's Getting Over Her...

There's probably no way your guy would take his ex back, but he's still a bit hurt.
Keep an eye on him, and make sure he's putting you first ... not her!

Again a test for girls only... but I answered in my point of view. HAHAHA!

em bery bored. em bery bery bored. en hungry. en bored. ahk.

Random posts

Since I'm fucking bored and I have no one to talk to.. haha! I'm just gonna post some shit here.

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Yeah! Kung fu sucks!

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Do you not think I look pretty?

Haha! These are stolen pictures off of other people's cameras. I want to go out more... too bad I can't

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Fake or real? I'd answer that... fake. HAHAHA!

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Taken I think 3 years ago... Hahaha!

Ooooh... memories. Yeah right. Hahaha! Let's all turn into a cynic. KIDDING!

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"Move on" pic daw? HAHAHA!

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HALA! ANU YAN! Naku po! Hahaha!

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Yehess! I like that hairstyle.. Anyway

Hmmm... pics pics pics... Haha... argh! Haha! Ang labo.

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Hahaha! I like this one. I look good. WAHAHAHA!

Nagugutom ako... Kain muna ako. Di pa ko naglunch eh. Haha!

I'll be back.

Another ARGH post.

I can't believe I'm changing my routine.

I'd usually just wake up... turn on the pc in my room [which has no internet] and play DOTA all day. Now... I go to the other pc.. and go online. Hahaha!

What do I do? What do I do?

ARGH! I'm being bound by something.

Hakuna Matata!

HAHAHA!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

I miss you maderpackers!

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Beefstew!

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La Familia!

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Yeah! My ass! Kita butas ng shorts ko

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YEAH!

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Si phonse mukhang demonyo!

Tae... SANA DECEMBER NA! BEACH PA TAYO! INOM ALL DAY ALL NIGHT! YEAH!

Wala lang.

I need music!

Wala lang. Walang music sa bahay eh. Supot.

I still haven't smoked. It's been 2 days! I think what's making me so crazy is that I know I can smoke, I just don't want to? Hahaha! :p

No more memories. Except for a few unwanted stuff that's left in my room. A belt, a cap... other stuff. Hrmm... maybe I'll just keep it there to gather dust.

Argh! Something tells me this isnt right. And I'm definitely gonna be the asshole in this scenario... but... argh. Maybe they will understand. Maybe.

Tell me something I want to hear

Haha... whatever. I'm just glad that stuff are starting to be normal again. There are just times when it suddenly pops inside my thoughts... I actually cover my ears and say "lalalala" to forget the thought. Labo? HAHAHA! And it's always that stupid thought about sex... hahaha!

ANYWAY! Ang sakit ng likod ko... gusto ko uminom bukas at pupunta ako ateneo bukas... argh! GUYS!!! INOM??? INOM??? Cge na! Haha!

I will start texting people. HAHA!

More quizzes

Your Sloth Quotient: 82%
You're so lazy, you're practically an invalid shut-in.It's surprising you even got through this quiz!
How Much Sloth Do You Have?

How true! Haha

Your Pride Quotient: 53%
You have your proud moments, but you're also likely to be a little ashamed of them.Don't be too hard on yourself. It's normal to want to make a stellar impression.
How Much Pride Do You Have?

Err..

Your Greed Quotient: 53%
You are somewhat greedy, but your greed is probably a healthy motivator. Wanting nice things is normal, as long as it doesn't take over your life.
How Much Greed Do You Have?

Haha GREEDY!

Your Wrath Quotient: 22%
Sometimes you get really angry, but nothing out of the norm.While you may wish someone harm, it's pretty unlikely that you'd actually do anything about it.
How Much Wrath Do You Have?

What wrath?

Your Dominant Intelligence is Logical-Mathematical Intelligence
You are great at finding patterns and relationships between things.Always curious about how things work, you love to set up experiments.You need for the world to make sense - and are good at making sense of it.You have a head for numbers and math ... and you can solve almost any logic puzzle.
You would make a great scientist, engineer, computer programmer, researcher, accountant, or mathematician.
What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Oooh! Accountant! Haha!

Let's see..

I'm starting to feel bad, but... argh!

Today was really tiring... I had to be the errands guy again. I picked up the cake for my nephew coz his birthday was today. I had to withdraw money from the bank. I had to buy some ingredients for the food coz they forgot to buy some of it last night. ARGH! I got to rest only at around 3 or 4 or something. And that was since they woke me up! At around 10 I think.

Argh. I'm feeling better now... still a little sick. AND I'M GOING CRAZY BY NOT SMOKING! Haha... My cough has to get cured soon.

I had a nice dream a while ago... But I'm not sure if it really was a dream or if I was just daydreaming since I kinda woke up a couple of times and then go back to sleep. Haha.. so medyo malabo.

Argh! This is getting out of hand. I'm seriously gonna get carried away. Haha! But what the hell... I'm having fun at the moment. I'm actually happy.

Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink.
But if you must lie,
lie in the arms of the one you love.
If you must steal,
steal away from bad company.
If you must cheat, cheat death.
And if you must drink...
drink in the moments
that take your breath away.

Basic principles: No matter what,
no matter when, no matter who...
any man has a chance
to sweep any woman off her feet.
Just needs the right broom.


Do you know the definitionof "perseverance," Miss Melas?
An excuse to be obnoxious?
Continuing in a course of action...
without regard to discouragement,
opposition or previous failure.

Haha... I really like this movie. Wala lang.

Ehk.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

This was funny in my head

Resurrection after 3 days. HAHAHAHA!

Ok.. it really was funny in my head.

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Gusto ko itong pic na ito... hahaha!

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Aww.. Batangas! Gusto ko talaga makasama sa outing sa Nov!

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Isa pa!!!

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I look good!!! WAHAHA!

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Prom pic daw? Hahaha!

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Pero favorite pic pa rin! Hahaha!

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And of course... ang astig kong YM pic [usually]

Wala lang... wala na ko mapost about my thoughts and shit eh

Control.... hahaha!

One night can change everything.

I remember just before I got to Angelo's house last monday, Carlos and Phonse asked me "Kung balikan ka nya, babalik ka?" I replied "Oo.. haha". But after the drinks, the talk, the "Why don't you act single" thing and the time spent with blockmates... haha... changed it. I can now say, confidently, without hesitation that I don't want it back. CONGRATULATE ME! Hahaha! Oh, and I'm not saying she would want it back... I'm just saying I think it's a good step for me.

And even if I know for a fact that this isn't going anywhere, I'm loving it. Haha! I've decided to just live for the moment. No shit ass thoughts about the future or anything like that. But don't get me wrong, once my significant other, whoever she is, comes around, I'll probably scrap this belief.

Not serious, not too playful.

Tae... nayoyosi na ko... pero di... bawal... self control. HAHAHA! Sana gumaling nalang ako para ok na.

But what if I get carried away? I think I already have... Waaaahh!

I'm jealous. My nephew who is 11 years old gets a new phone and I'm still stuck with my shit ass phone. Haha!

I earned 500 today! YEAH!

I'm finally back. For real.

Watch me prove everyone wrong

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Promises

I find them very important. Haha.

And I promised I won't smoke until I get better. I need to smoke. SHIT! Hahaha!

I should just sleep and hope that I don't have coughs tomorrow. Haha!

But, there's this one promised I'm compelled to break. I think it's ok if I did. Ah.. who cares.. fuck that stupid promise.

I hope I get allowed to go out on Nov 8-10. I want to. I just need to find out how to get money... hahaha!

So what should I do? Just lay next to you as though I'm unaffected.
And who should I be? When they're judging me, as though I'm unaffected
Before they even saw my face. They knew that I was not the same
And decided I was not the one, for you, for you...

Antok na ko... but mind you, the 2 hours of sleep a while ago was really good. I mean.. I felt as if it was enough a while ago. Nag enjoy? HAHAHA!

Tae... Aga ako matulog ngayon.

Hrmm

Anxiety? Nervous? What?

Ehk. Mali. Mali talaga ata. Tingin ko mababaliw lang ako pag ginawa ko yun. At di rin naman alam kung magagawa. Argh!

PERO, sabihin nating magawa ko nga, tatapang kaya ako sa paglantad ng katotohanan sa magaling kong guro? ANU?!?!?! HAHAHA!

Tae may sakit pa rin ako

If a picture paints a thousand words,
Then why can't I paint you?
The words will never show the you I've come to know.
If a face could launch a thousand ships,
Then where am I to go?
There's no one home but you,
You're all that's left me too.
And when my love for life is running dry,
You come and pour yourself on me.

If a man could be two places at one time,
I'd be with you.
Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way.
If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die,
I'd spend the end with you.
And when the world was through,
Then one by one the stars would all go out,
Then you and I would simply fly away


I can't stress enough the fact that I love this song. Someone send me the file! Hahaha!

I will not smoke until my cough is cured. I can do that. I will do that. Hahaha!

Aaaak. Grrr. Hrmmm. Ehk. Blech. Argh. Right or wrong? Yes or no?

Ah ewan ko. Like I said, bahala nalang! Hahaha!

So long Astoria? HAHA!

Ooof. Not even worth a reply anymore. Haha. Not that it matters really.

I have to say. Last night was one of the few nights that I really had fun since that fateful incident almost two months ago. Hahaha! Bitter? Sensitive? HAHA!

It started out in Angelo’s house for his birthday. A few drinks there. Cake was fucking good. Mukha na nga kaming baboy dahil nag aagawan hahaha! Saw old friends that I haven’t seen in a while. AND, I saw the best friend of my ex. Yes. HAHAHA! That was very surprising. We had a long walk… este.. talk pala. Let’s just say it was very unexpected that it would be him to help in making me realize that… it’s not worth it. She’s not worth it. Argh. I wonder how stupid I looked? Quixotic? NYAHAHA! Asa boy!

Actually, while I was in Angelo’s house, I was already looking for a way to leave. I had a debut to go to in Rockwell. Sucks that I couldn’t find a ride fast enough. I ended up riding with Robin at around 12, which means the debut was pretty much over. Sad.. I missed my dance and my song. NEXT DEBUT! HAHAHAHA!

Blockmates said that they’re already in Astoria so I got a cab from greenbelt and went there. Got to the hotel room. NICE! Haha.. so everyone was still in their formal wear… AND SO WAS I! HAHA! And I didn’t even get to use it. So… instead of putting my efforts of fixing up to waste… PICTORIALS!!! HAHAHA! Yeah!

More drinks as the night progressed. Tangina! Ang galante ko nung gabing yun. Medyo… malaki ata nagastos ko. Tae kayong blockmates! Hahaha! Taking advantage that I have no one to spend for anymore? HAHAHA!

Shit. I’ve been fucking up my budget for the past couple of weeks now. Haha! Oh well. I say fuck it. Maybe I’m being a girl, having spending money help me with my… current situation. Haha!

Hrmm. I think I’m overdoing something just a little bit. I know it’s not right… well, it’s not wrong but… complications. Hahaha! Shit. And what’s worse… I’m actually… err… shit. How do I say this… Basta. I smile more. Labo. Ok fine, personally I think it’s wrong… but… ARGH!

I might actually take things seriously. That is good/bad? Uh oh.

But I must admit, I still find myself emo at some moments. Probably the feeling of hurt hasn’t left me. I know the feeling of regret is gone. It’ll all be over very soon.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Unfair

Why am I the one left broken? Hahaha! Bitter?

Two fuckin straight nights with that... and I can't even control it. Oh, I'm talking about dreams. Eeeeek nightmares. HAHAHA!

Where to go tonight. Do I go to Rockwell and attend a debut or go to a friend's birthday and get wasted? Hrmmm...

Ooof... as far as I can remember, that's actually how everything started with me and her. Haha... Ouch. Ahk. I felt special. Haha. Wait. Ang labo pala ng sentence na ito. Hahaha!

Argh! I need time to move faster. Hahahaha! Since there won't be any plans for the sembreak, might as well finish it and get back to school.

PUTANGINA! It's almost two months! Fuck and I'm still not okay. I'm not fuckin okay.

Friends! Where are you? Haha!

Posting makes me happy because I talk to myself. Eh? Haha.

I answered some stuff in blogthings last night. And there was this question. "What kind of breakup is a nightmare for you" or something like that. I answered the choice that said "When my ex isn't affected in anyway after the breakup" or something like that. HAHAHAHA! I'm hoping she's gotten past reading my entries.

Ang labo ko noh? Sabi ko no more drama pero ganun pa rin naman... dinagdagan ko lang ng "hahaha" para mukhang joke. Haha!

I asked you where you were. You said you were just there. I believed. But no, you weren't there anymore. I checked. I waited there, where you said you were. I waited in vain. You didn't even say goodbye.

Pota! Tama na nga yan! Misinterpretation was my downfall.

Yun na yun. Nabasa ko na. Special ka na. Diba? Badtrip. Ganyan talaga. Iba na eh. Tama ako. Nagbago ka. Yes. Tama ako. Nagbago rin ako. Hahaha! Anu? Nalalabuan na ko. Kausap ko nanaman sarili ko. Ay wait! Di ka pala nagbago. Dati ka pala iba. Tapos balik ka sa ganyan. Ah. Tama. Tama. Pero ano ba ung ngayon? Eh? Ewan. Sulat lang ako ng sulat.

Fuck the catalyst. Fuck the ingredient. Fuck the results.

A title.

You Are 36% Abnormal
You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul.
You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess.
You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection.
You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement.
You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.
How Abnormal Are You?

HAHA!

You Are a Centaur
In general, you are a very cautious and reserved person.However, you are also warm hearted, and you enjoy helping others in practical ways.You are a great teacher, and you are really good at helping people get their lives in order.You are very intuitive, and you go with your gut. You make good decisions easily.
What Mythological Creature Are You?


No, I don't make good decisions

Your Lust Quotient: 36%
You are a fairly lustful person, but nothing out of the norm.You usually keep your lust under control, but sometimes it gets the better of you.
How Much Lust Do You Have?


Oh, how true

Never Date a Cancer
Clingy, emotional, and very private - it's hard to escape a Cancer's clutches.And while Cancer will want to know everything about you, they're anything but open in return.
Instead try dating: Leo, Sagittarius, Gemini, or Aquarius
What Sign Shouldn't You Date?


Oh shit... hahaha! Wow! Not clingy

Your Envy Quotient: 50%
You are an envious person, but only at times.Perhaps certain situations trigger your envy. Or maybe you're especially jealous when you're feeling insecure.Instead of letting that green monster out, work on making your own life better.And then maybe people will be envious of you.
How Much Envy Do You Have?


Hahaha!

You Are 43% Grown Up, 57% Kid
You've grown up a good bit, but you still have a way to go before you're emotionally mature.You have the skills to control your emotions, you just have to use them.
How Emotionally Mature Are You?


Oh how I wish...

Your Heart Is Pink
In relationships, you like to play innocent - even though you aren't.Each time you fall in love, it's like falling for the first time.
Your flirting style: Coy
Your lucky first date: Picnic in the park
Your dream lover: Is both caring and dominant
What you bring to relationships: Romance
What Color Heart Do You Have?


Yeah right! Haha!

more emoness... taena

Sana may kumanta para sakin ng "Kung ako nalang sana" WAHAHAHA!

Haaay... pota... hirap ng mag-isa!!! BUHUHUHU!

Buti nalang marami akong nakukulit sa YM... hahaha! Three people made me feel better. A blockmate, an old friend, and a person who asked three people to tell me I did the right thing. HAHAHA! That was very nice.

Eeek! Shit. I think I'm egocentric. HAHAHA!

School tomorrow... to pay for someone else's bill. A last act. Haha.

Ngayong sembreak... balik muna ako sa dati kong kasabihan na "Bahala na"

Sa pasukan ko nalang babawiin ulit.

At kahit sa huling sandali, di ko nakuhang magtanim ng galit sa iyong mukha. Naglakad ako palayo upang iwasang makita ng iyong mga mata ang paglaho ng ngiti sa aking labi at ang unti-unting pagbagsak ng tubig sa aking mga mata. Tumakbo ako at nadapa. Masakit.

Uy astig! Haha! Madramang tagalog. Parang mas madrama basahin pag tagalog ung sinusulat. HAHAHA!

Waah... I'm online because you are. Uyyy! Issue! HAHAHA! Asa.

I will follow the advice of someone I never thought I would take advice from. And actually, this advice was for someone around 8-9 months ago. Haha! Nice

Ok.. I'm just writing to... I don't know... It relaxes me? Ewan. Basta.

Yun lang.

Believe me when I say

I died two days ago...

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Ghost.

Ahk...

Everything's just hitting me now. Or everything's hitting me again.

Ooof...

Argh...

Haha, sound effects.

I try to act cool about it... but deep inside... I'm really fucked. I can't think straight. Everything just has to remind me of you. HAHAHA! Tae.

I need people with me. I need distractions. I need company. Putangina! Mababaliw ako mag-isa!

Laguna trip is cancelled. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Guess what I did yesterday and today? Yes... I played DOTA. All daaaaaayyyy! It distracted me for a while. But it's not enough.

Well in other news... I hate you! I fuckin hate you! I hate you I hate you I hate you. I don't care if I fuckin sound gay or childish or whatever. I fuckin hate you. I can't stress enough the fact that I hate you.

And in more other news... I'm sick. Yes... very sick. I have colds. I have a cough. I have a sore throat. I have a headache. My lungs hurt when I cough, like really hurt that I can't breath anymore. So I try not to cough, but I have to... so it hurts. REAL BAD! I'm gonna fuckin die. Oh, and it hurt in the throat when I smoke. But that doesn't seem to stop me. I feel like I need more than just a cigarette now. I need to feel better.

Yes... I'm connecting my sickness with my feelings. HAHAHA!

Please don't mind me dear readers. Allow me to bask in this stage for a while. I didn't realize the choice I made has it's own disadvantages. Coz I really fuckin thought it won't make a difference whatever happened. But it did. It made a hell of a difference.

I just realized now that I have no one to complain to anymore about the life's bullshitness [is there such a word? haha]

Would you believe me if I said I had lung cancer?

Think.

HAHAHA! Nag highlight kayo noh? WAHAHA! Gotcha!

Argh

I believed when you said you didn't want to be friends.

I walked out and you texted.

You got nicer by the day after I walked out.

You're actually the one that would ask me to go see you.

You invited me to your despedida when you shouldn't have.

You texted me something that I realize now I misinterpreted very much.

It's all these and more.

Learn from the lessons.

Self-control. I don't have it. Without smoking... I ended up... err... nevermind. Better left told than written.

Oh... and I'm done using LJ. Hello Blogspot.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Eternal

Dragonfly - Spongcola

Maybe I’m a little addicted
Maybe I just can’t get out of this
Maybe it is just too soon to say

I’ve seen you blow right past my window
You flew away and I was left inside
Without a clue
But if you think I’m too stoned to write
Don’t think twice

Free your mind
Don’t let me down
We’ll find a way to make it go away

I went ahead without direction
A form of semi-self-mutilation
Dragonfly collides with truth
Why can’t you see me like I see you?
Can’t you feel me like I feel you?
Can’t you be with me tonight?

I’ll make it go away[my dragonfly]

Fuck. I can't turn emo. I don't want to be emo.

Third time's the charm.

Monday, October 16, 2006

What's another day

"You give this way more thought than it deserves"
You say as I tell you about my fear of rejection
I wouldn't know better than to get scared
Cause since we've met we've had this great connection"

You know concrete colored buildings all grow stale"
You say as I look up dreaming
I know better than to include the both of us
But I can't sleep when your gone
And you say "what's another day?"

This stage of oblivion I find comfortable
And prior to this I never spoke
You say you understand my absence now
And why I never tell jokes

"You know concrete colored buildings all grow stale"
You say as I look up dreaming
I know better than to include the both of us
But I can't sleep when your gone
And you say "what's another day?"

When we are already getting used to gray
What's another day?
If inspiration grows out from this
Whats another day?
When silence is the next best thing to bliss
And we're all getting used to hearing you say"

You know concrete colored buildings all grow stale"
You say as I look up dreaming
I know better than to include the both of us
But I can't sleep when your gone

And you say "You know concrete colored buildings all grow stale"
You say as I look up dreaming
I know better than to include the both of us
But I can't sleep when your gone
And you say "what's another day?"

Well I'll be damned

I still have lessons to learn. I'm being an idiot again.

I am still fragile... I got hurt.

Anyway... I just finished studying chapter 9 of Accounting. Psych test later you say? I haven't studied. I know nothing in fucking Psychology. And I need like a C+ to get a C in psych... Waaah!

Gahd, my nails are damn long. And the pinkies still have nail polish but it's already fading out... Hrmm.

I'm panicking. Like shit ass panicking. But still procrastination gets the best of me. Oh, and my current standing in Eco is a C+... I thought I was a B... motha fucka!!!! Shit... that just screws everything up.

Finish LS in a few hours... LS make up quizzes at 11AM... I need this. I need to get a C+ in this subject at the least.

Ewan: Well, what's wrong with that? I'd like to know. 'Cause here I go again : Love lifts us up where we belong! Where eagles fly, on a mountiain high..
Nicole: Love makes us act like we are fools. Throw our lives away for one happy day...
Ewan: We could be heores, just for one day!
Nicole: You...you will be mean.
Ewan: No, I won't!
Nicole: And I...I'll drink all the time!
Ewan: We should be lovers...
Nicole: We can't do that.
Ewan: We should be lovers!, and that's a fact.
Nicole: Though nothing will keep us together...
Ewan: We could steal time, just for one day.
Both: We could be heroes, forever and ever!We could be heroes, forever and ever!We could be heroes...
Ewan: Just because I will always love you...
Nicole: I can't help loving...
Ewan : You...
Nicole : How wonderful life is...
Both: Now you're in the world.

I said no more emo.... this isn't emo right? What can I say, I liked the movie. Hahaha!

Sembreak... I still don't want to feel alone for the sembreak.

But who was I to think it could've been me?

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Relief

Guess what?

I'm fucking back.

Study time soon... Stupid stupid stupid.

I'm sad that the sem's ending... just when it started to be nice again.

Hahaha!I will realize the curse of a king, although I don't think I'm prepared just yet.

Permanently TAB

But Jonel tells me she's hot... Hrmmm hahaha!

How the fuck am I supposed to study for psych? No book, no notes, nothing. Someone give me a crash course.

So, here are my speculations on my grades.
Spanish - F
Eco - B
Sci 10 - C+
Accounting - C+
QMT 11 - D
Psych - D
LS 10 - C

Very bad grades... Tangina! Someone teach me Psych!!!

Saturday, October 14, 2006

A story's end

Drama... just to release everything.

Whose hand was there that held you freely as I watched helplessly? [personally, I thought it was very... ahk nevermind]

And I actually thought that I was done... I have to start accepting, "di ka na akin"

But I think this would be the last time that I'll be wallowing in self pity. That's left for my secret livejournal account.

And as I hold your hand with mine, promise me you will never leave my side

This week.. a lot of people "slapped" me. And now I formulated 6 steps
Cellphone to Computer to Phone to Blog to Ninja and to Princess... there. 6 steps.

I should really start facing reality that there is no continuance, no closure.

Or maybe it's because I'm trying my best to not have a closure... after all, I avoided 3-5 closures already... begging and pleading... such a strike to one's pride. Not that pride matters... I don't think I have any left.

Funny thing is, this feeling of eagerness that I have when I hear my cellphone beep was what I felt back in mid 2nd sem. I'd check every minute or so... to see if you've texted. Haha! How sad... or should I say pathetic?

I don't want to be a hypocrite so I won't play it safe. You've made your decision... And I will no longer plead my case.

It'll take a lot of control... after all, right now I still can't imagine this without... Gahd nevermind...

I actually waited because at a unique and farfetched point of view... you were there... just there... but a lot farther than where you used to be.

Of course I still love you. I know for a fact that I still do. I mean, I won't feel what I feel whenever I find out about those stuff if I don't anymore. And I don't think it's not about you leaving, coz you already have... or should I say it was me who left? I don't need to prove anything to anyone... this is what I feel and that is up to people to believe it.

And I'm gonna end by saying I was here to stay. I stayed and waited even when everything was falling apart right in front of me. I decided to be blind. I did snap a few times, but I was still just there. Keyword... was

I'm not here to stay, I'm not here to wait. Not anymore, but I'm not going anywhere. I'm just here to finally get my life straight, with or without you. I'd prefer if it was with you... but not everyone can get what they want.

And I'm gonna end this by saying... Thanks

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Emo.. ayoko na ng emo

Verdorben

Watching... chatting... awwwwww

Shit

Shit

Shit

Breathe

Coz you're every woman in the world to me

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

I'm falling apart

And it seems that you've actually already let go... How could I have been so blind? But that doesn't really change how I feel now, does it?

Blogs can really screw up a person's life.

I had so much dreams... so much thoughts, plans... what an idiot

Long walk? Miss..? Argh... argh argh argh!

Maybe I'm just one big screw up. And maybe it's time I stopped being pathetic

Let go? Nah... I'll let time do that for me if that's really what's gonna happen.

I'm sorry for everything. Fighting even when we were no longer together... stupid fights.

I'll let the wind push me to any direction now. Just let things flow.

Maybe it's because I'm a coward... I don't want to feel alone on sembreak.

All I need is self-control

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.

I should just let you go... and I'd convince myself it's because I love you.

A Knight of Infinite Resignation

Note: EDITED

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Confusion

So, what happens now?

Was it true? Did I screw up again?

Hurts.

Did I leave? Or did you?

I'm an idiot

Friday, October 06, 2006

I was wrong

I thought it'd be easier.

but no.

It's not.

I'll be waiting.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Hrmm...

I'm done waiting. Well, no not really... but I'm done hoping. You do what you have to do. Tell me when you're done too.

He who loves places himself, by loving, by that very act, from then on, into dependence, he who loves becomes the slave of the one who is loved.
It's normal, it's the common lot.
It's inevitable.
He who loves falls into slavery, consigns himself, puts himself under the yoke of slavery.
He becomes dependent on the one he loves.

Read it somewhere... True

And it still sucks that you're sleeping over his house til Thursday... weird. I'd rather you go home.


Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Mr. Reality Check

It's like this. Stupid DOTA game.

It's 3 on 1. And yes... Im that one, and I'm against pros. No matter how many times I go back to the well and regain HP, I go back and get my ass kicked.

DOTA DOTA DOTA. Supot pa rin ako. Haha! I think

BUT, I have 50000 gold. I can buy aegis and divine and skadi etc. But it doesnt guarantee a win because they can buy it too I think. Hard to win.

ANYWAY.

I can't believe you were allowed to sleepover Pochoy's house. Hrmm...

Tae. Tae. Tae. I expected too much today. I have to stop being emo... ended up using my last cut for QMT 11... SHIT!

I learned something in psych. Something about proximity. I fear the distance. Oh, and I am a victim of the bystander effect. Hahaha!

I'm surprised... well actually I'm not. How long will I have to stay in the dark?

Help me fix myself. Is it time to face reality?

I should stop convincing myself. I should let pride eat me.

But somehow, I don't want to.